No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-06-01 - 3:15 p.m.

don't let the bottle empty out on you.

i'm listening to moonshiner and contemplating buying books for strangers. seriously. i've listened to moonshiner about twenty times today. and i'll probably double that by the time i leave work.

god bless them, pretty women. i wish they was mine.

i've been reading cubiclegirl. like every entry. every damn one. i have another browser window up and i read binx's entries from the same day. i like to see how each of them describes the same event. it's like constructing a novel on the fly. it's like a real-life mystery, because i can reconstruct in my head what might have happened from oblique references. i like the way that certain things only become apparent when you read both their entries.

mostly i like how much they love eachother. i'm a sucker for a good love story. i used to watch Ally McBeal just so i could cry at the end when she was feeling lonely and sorry for herself and walking through the empty streets with soap flakes wafting down around her. i love the way cubiclegirl talks about love. it's got this whole purity to it that i miss. she's my age and says she's a cynic, but when she talks about love it's like a five year old talking about santa claus. pure faith and joy.

so instead of working i'm reading about this love story that is actually happening. and i feel close to tears, which if you know me is both unremarkable and amazing. i have such a longing inside me to be loved, i feel like i could swallow the world and still be hungry.

when the bottle gets empty, lord it sure aint worth a damn.

tomorrow i'm going to buy a harmonica and learn how to play the harmonica solo from moonshiner.

today, i'm looking at cubiclegirl's wish list on amazon, thinking maybe i should buy her a book, plus one copy for myself. i can't express how much this open sharing of her life has meant to me in the past couple of days. i just want to thank her in some way. i've had all this pent up angst and unfocused dissatisfaction. it's like someone has slapped me in the face.

j$! you've always wanted to write. so write, damn you. stop wasting your time/life on video games and write. play. sing. act. run. get out there and live damn you before it all slips by.

when the bottle gets empty, it sure aint worth a damn.

don't let the bottle empty out on you.

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