No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-06-10 - 11:58 p.m.

in search of passion

once again, i just got back from jo3's. we practiced up our songs for tomorrow night. moonshiner is coming along pretty well.

i'm pretty excited. i know that i'm going to be nervous as hell before i get up there, but i've been dreaming about this moment for a long time. it'll be good to finally get out and do it. it'll be good to take a stab at following my passion.

jo3 and i were talking about women and relationships and such tonight. i guess it's been on both our minds a lot recently.

i was talking about the fact that SoccerGirl hasn't returned my call, and that i haven't talked to her for a week. really, it shouldn't be that big a deal, but i had hung some hopes on her, and i'm starting to lose my enthusiasm for that concept. i think in the midst of my conversation with jo3 tonight i made a mental shift in my thinking about SoccerGirl.

she's busy. she apparently doesn't have time to return phone calls. okay. if that's true, would she have the time to have a relationship? doubtful. or at least not the kind of relationship i'd like.

so. i'm not going to think about this like the possibility of dating her anymore. i know that our communication has been spotty and there have been breakdowns on both sides. i guess what i'm saying is that i'm going to approach this as a friends thing. because then i don't feel upset if i don't hear from her. i can just be casual about it and not pin all my baggage on the situation. then, if something happens, well and good. and if nothing happens, oh well.

jo3 said tonight that he has a lot of confidence that i'll find someone. he's not really on board with the whole internet personals idea, and i can't say i blame him. he thinks that it'll have to be something that surprises me, something that just comes storming into my life from an unexpected direction. (i personally don't know what direction that'll be, but hey).

i said that i'm not that great at first impressions, and that i kind of have to sneak up on someone.

jo3 flipped that to it takes a while for someone to get to know me and realize how cool i am.

i can dig that.

the question is, where am i going to find someone?

damned if i know, kiddies. damned if i know.

but again, let's not end the thought here. negativity will not rule my life.

SmogMonkey. back in the cage, bucko. i'm not listening to your crap tonight.

tomorrow night, i'm going to play guitar (and fer-gods-sake harmonica) in front of a bar full of strangers.

and i'm going to blow them away.

can. i. get. a. hallelujah?


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