No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-06-24 - 1:36 a.m.

regret minimalization

so i'm hereby embarking on a regret minimalization program. thought for the day (and for the rest of my life):

"you regret the things you don't do more than the things you do."

i want my regrets to be along the lines of "that didn't work out like i planned, but at least i tried." instead of "i wish i'd given that a go."

K. perfect example. despite all my fears, i should have just thrown my heart in the pot and gone for it. hopefully it's not too late.

BigSis is coming back from the land of Disney. she didn't like it. apparently all the mouseketeers are bitter, apathetic, soulless union workers. i guess it was ruining the magic for her. besides, she misses her hubbie, and TwinSis, and her hubbie's dad (with whom she was staying) was being a bastard.

TwinSis said that Mom's first reaction was "she's quitting?" just like Mom.

the point is not that it didn't work out like she wanted. the point is that she tried. how many people do you know who would quit their job of nine years and go take a minimum-wage job because it was their dream. maybe you might think it a juvenile dream, but it was a dream nonetheless. and she went for it.

she had nothing to prove to anyone but herself. she had no one to please in the matter but herself. so it didn't work out. so what. she tried. she flipped all the naysayers the bird and gave it a shot.

that's victory enough in my book.

especially in my book, because i'm the king of not trying. i've made an art form out of apathy. i wait until the opportunity has passed me by and then say "i chose not to pursue that". true, from a certain point of view, but a piss-poor decision from any point of view.

TwinSis got her job as a teacher. she walked out of her job on friday, never to return. monday she starts training. i'm so proud of her.

again, she turned her back on all criticism, and several economic realities, and went after her dream.

my sisters are the bravest people i know, and i love them more than i could ever say.

i sent TwinSis flowers in congratulations. she called today to thank me, and she kept saying how surprised she was, how she never expected it, how she didn't know what to say.

i need to change that. it should be an occasion when i send my sisters flowers (because i want it to be special, to mean something), but it should not be so rare an event that they are shocked.

i'm trying to be more generous, to be somewhat deliberate about it, to remind myself that people can't read my mind and know how i feel, that i need to show them. i've missed so many occasions with my family, or missed opportunities to show them how i feel. i've given too many late gifts, or worse yet, apologies for gifts not given.

again, i regret the things i don't do more than the things i do.

so here's your moment of zen.

i want for compassion and generosity to be the driving forces in my life; the core out of which my actions are motivated. i've had this thought before, but i guess i need reminding. i once even considered getting the chinese character for compassion as a tattoo (my most-tattooed friend called me a wussie when i told him that).

it's late, i'm tired, i need to sleep.

but tomorrow is another day. a day in which i will think of compassion, i will practice generosity, and i will do more than i do not, and in all these, i will find more happiness and less regret.

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