No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-06-26 - 11:42 p.m.

kind of uncomfortable

moveable feast tonight.

sometime during dinner jo3 mentioned to ChefsKey that he had seen K last night. i was involved in another conversation, so i didn't ask about her.

after dinner jo3 asked me if i wanted to take a stroll around the neighborhood.

right then i knew what was coming.

we chatted for a bit before he even brought her up. i talked for a bit about how i'd been feeling. like i'm coasting. about my occasional boughts of loneliness. about my misgivings about the whole match.com procedure and what it says about me. about how i'd made my last call to SoccerGirl tonight. if she doesn't respond, i'm done with her.

anyway, he brings up K. how they had a great night. how they can still connect and enjoy eachother's company.

she mentioned that i had called.

she said that because of the out-of-the-blue nature of it and because of something in my voice (did i ever mention that i'm an open book for everyone) made her think that maybe i was thinking about more than friends.

jo3, because it is exactly the kind of question he would ask, asked her "if that were the case how would you feel about that?".

"kind of uncomfortable".

jo3 said that he wasn't sure that whether he should tell me or not, but that he thought i should know.

i told him that it saved me considerable embarassment.

"kind of uncomfortable"

yeah, so it's not really a surprise. jo3 said that there was no way i could know for sure, K being K. i've always held out hope that she might reciprocate my feelings.

but it's not really a surprise.

right now i don't even know what the fuck to say. god, i'm so fucking depressed. i really, really like K. i've carried a torch for her since i first met her. i've been so fucking lonely, and once again, my mistake was to let myself dream and hope just a bit.

and of course my hopes were crushed. just like they always are.


"kind of uncomfortable"

i'm a broken record right now, and nothing i write sounds right. it all sounds like self-pitying drivel. which it is. but it's also true.

the downside of being so completely lonely and discouraged is that every fucking piece of shit country song, and every terrible tenth-grade suicide poem, and every boy band, and every soap opera, and every fifteen year old girl journal has already hashed out every nook and cranny of your situation and cranked out steaming piles of shit on the subject. so everything i say sounds trite and pathetic.

yet it's all true.

i made the mistake of thinking that i could ever be with someone as cool and incredible as K. that someone like her could ever come to love me.

"kind of uncomfortable"

it was a mistake alright.

you know the old "it's not you it's me" speech. on the drive home, i pictured getting together with her and telling her how i feel anyway. about letting her give it to me in person. about breaking down and crying. and saying "it's not you".

you know who it is?

it's nobody.

it's not you, it's nobody.

because who is going to ever fall for me and love me and marry me and raise rugrats with me?

it's not you.

it's nobody.

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