No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-07-05 - 2:24 p.m.

independance day

where to begin?

tuesday night, went over to jo3's and played ani. i could just about leave it at that. wow, what a great night. T-Woman and FriendFriend were there, and we played ani for hours and hours. we didn't stop till after midnight. i had never played any ani songs before in my life, so every song was a new one. i thought it was going to be really hard to learn all these songs, but overall it wasn't too bad. first off, a lot of ani's songs are in weird tunings (and i mean *really* *weird* tunings). but once you go through the half-hour process of tuning your guitar to DF#BBQA, you find that you can play the song with only one finger. so some of the songs were much easier than i expected. some of the songs were not. but i was actually kind of on a roll that night. i have to say that i was playing better than i think i ever had. i felt a new kind of confidence in my playing, and i remember at one point thinking to myself "yeah, that's the sound that i've always wanted to have. i wonder how jo3 does that." then looking up and seeing that jo3 wasn't playing right then. it was me.

i don't want all this to sound too cocky and arrogant, and i hope it doesn't. but i have to say it because it's true. i played well, and i sounded good. and even in the face of that i might usually not say it in such blatant terms. but right now i'm on a kick against false humility. because T-Woman was singing like an angel on tuesday night. i mean. she. kicked. so much. ass.

i can't even tell you.

she was great. and she kept ragging on herself. kept saying how terrible she sounded. kept getting down on her voice. and i just couldn't believe it. i'd give my left arm to sing the way she does.

we were all running through the digital recorder, and at a couple of points jo3 recorded a song without telling us beforehand. he recorded one song (can't remember the name) and T-Woman was *great* and afterwards when we realized that it had been recorded, she seemed almost angry. because she was all down on her voice again.

and i said "shut up". not at all joking. wishing she would shut up that negativity. it is not at all like me to say that when i'm not joking. and i felt bad for a minute. then i didn't feel bad. because she has no call to be criticizing herself in that manner.

she rocks. she sings like an angel.

and it just about makes me sick to hear the way she talks.

so i'm on a personal crusade against false humility. (weird side note. this morning in the shower, i was thinking about writing a song about that whole thing called "shut up and sing". but then again i was also thinking about writing a song about what's in my pockets. (based on a comment paul simon said about why he wrote "renee and georgette magritte with their dog after the war". about how it was the caption to a photograph he'd seen. and how you could write a song about what's in your pockets, but nobody would want to hear it.) these are the things i think about in the shower.)

yesterday i was a slug. i got outside for a short while during the day, but it was monster hot out, so i lurked inside. reading, playing computer games, etc.

last night i went over to jo3's and he and i and C and B biked/rollerbladed up to confluence park to watch the fireworks display over the new stadium. we could hear cheering from inside Mile High from the Rapids game. reminded me that OriginalWhiteGuy was at that game, and made me feel guilty that i haven't talked to him in a couple of weeks.

we sat in the grass and drank a really great bottle of wine right out of the bottle and ate cheese and crackers. a few entries ago, i speculated about a male counterpart to Martha Stewart. i've changed my mind about who that is. you wanna know how to live a beautiful life, to live a life that's worth living, to make each day count if only in a small way, then you gotta hang around jo3. he's the man.

and then back at jo3's we listened to some music, and jo3 inquired about this site, and i gave him the URL. i was a bit hesitant just because he's mentioned in here so often, and especially that long entry about K, and i don't want him to take things the wrong way.

it's probably not so much that as it is that i now know that someone i know well, and see all the time is going to be peeking in on my innermost thoughts. it's not so bad with strangers, because they're not going to call you on it. they're not going to see you the next day. you're not going to see them and wonder "did he read that? what did he think?"

but on the other hand, it's kind of nice. this journal has become a pretty large part of my life. it lets me work out my thoughts. it allows me to achieve eloquence (or at least some modicum thereof) in my opinions. i've found that i start a lot of sentances "in my on-line journal..." when talking to jo3.

i got an email from him this morning about what he'd read. here's an excerpt:

"i'll have to go back and read more. it's a weird sensation. not at all

unpleasant. the diary feels like short movies of very familiar people.


can't necessarily drag the characters back into reality as easily as


might think. maybe that's why it's safe to float some of your closest

thoughts on toothpicks into the internet-ocean."

have i mentioned recently that jo3 rocks? yeah. (hope you don't think i'm sucking up just because i know you might read. i'm sucking up because it's true. i'll not direct false humility at myself or at my friends.)

work today is crap as usual. what's getting me through it: dinner with BigSis tonight, and remembering the last two nights.

in the meantime, shawn colvin. "riding shotgun down the avalanche"


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