No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-07-06 - 4:57 p.m.

BigSis and performance review

last night's dinner with BigSis was awesome (number 24). i can't even tell you. we had one of those great talks that are depressingly rare these days. we just jabbered on and on. i told her about this site, about SmogMonkey, about hanging with jo3, about playing ani, about everything. she talked about the disney experience, about europe, about her hubbies and her dogs, about thinking about kids, about TwinSis's new job and BigSis's fears that TwinSis will get shot at work, about religion, about everything.

i talked about my idea that none of the world's religions have the whole truth, and i don't think they have the right to claim exclusive dominion over the truth. i think they're all like the blind men and the whole truth is the elephant. they all have a small window into truth, but can't see the big picture. i'm not doing this concept justice right now. trust me that i've thought it out further than i'm explaining right now. the point of this story is that i was teasing BigSis that when she tried to explain this to someone that she'd be saying things like "God is a blind elephant, wait no, the pope is blind and there's an elephant somewhere."

that's sounds cruel, but really it wasn't. she was laughing right along with me, and making up her own permutations.

she told me about a dream she had recently where i jumped out from behind a curtain to scare her, and she puked on me. she was laughing so hard that she could barely get the words out.

we rediscovered that we approach making momentous decisions in the same way. that we both think about it and talk about it for a long time before we ever get the nerve up to do something. we talked about the way we both leave sticky notes for ourselves as inspiration.

really it was a great bonding evening. tons of fun.

i love my sister.

i know that i say that all the time in this journal, but there's a damn good reason for it.

you wanna know what's at the bedrock of my life? what i know i can count on when everything else is gone?

my sisters.

i love them more than life itself.

on a completely separate note, i had my performance evaluation today. WalkingMan and RadioVoiceBossMan came by my office with no warning and told me it was time to discuss my performance.

i've been so guilty about what i see as my lack of work ethic and general slackitude that i thought to myself "time to get fired".


i got a great performance review. i mean every single category in great or very good. they nitted me on not knowing the whole system yet (it's fricking huge), and sometimes declaring a task as complete before i test it completely.

right now i feel like the biggest shyster in the whole world. i feel like i've totally pulled the wool over their eyes. i feel like i just barely do enough to get by around here, and they're going on about how great i am. here are some excerpts.

"j$ has provided outstanding service and has shown great dedication to finding the solutions, even when faced with significant challenges."

"j$ is a great contributor, very creative and always willing to listen to others' ideas. ... It is a pleasure to work with j$ on a daily basis."

"j$ is very accommodating and helpful -- even when confronted with less desirable tasks. j$ has outstanding interpersonal skills"

where's the disconnect here? how am i pulling this off? can i live with myself if i continue?

i dunno.

i know that i do get work done. i really haven't let any deadlines slip (or at least not by more than a day or two). i know that i probably have at least fulfilled the basic requirements of the job. i do actually have good interpersonal skills. that's not an overstatement. i know that i'm good at creating the illusion of hard work.

i also know that i feel like i'm slacking. that i spend a lot of time surfing the web. and updating this journal. and writing email. and wishing i was somewhere else. i don't really work very hard right now. at all.

and apparently they're pleased as punch.

something about this whole situation is not right. this isn't good for either me or my employers. but i'm too cowardly to change. i feel i owe them some time in the job before looking for something else. and i want my next job to be the perfect job, or at least a damn sight closer than my last three jobs have been. so i'm kinda stuck here for a bit. in the meantime i guess i'm gonna keep on keeping on.

most days i don't know what else to do.

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