2001-07-17 - 1:00 p.m.

parenthood

last night at BigSis's place i held an eight week old baby. i was just amazed at his size. i could engulf almost his whole head with my hand. just blew me away.

i think i scared him. he was fine with me holding him, but if i got my face too close to his, he got this wide-eyed terror look on his face. maybe it's all my hair. it was being unruly and kept falling across my face.

TwinSis, who has always been pretty adamant about not wanting kids, was great with him. she didn't want to hold him, but she could make him laugh in a heart-beat.

me i wasn't completely sure what to do. i just rocked him and hummed.

one of BigSis's friends was there with her three (or four) year old daughter. she (the daughter) was unsure of me. she would run up to me and then run away.

ShortBotherInLaw was amazing with her. as soon as he arrived, she ran up to him, laughing. he immediately picked her up and started playing. he has this effortless way of dealing with kids. they love him.

i'm not really sure how to deal with kids. i have this shyness thing, which is kinda weird. when i had a roommate with a daughter, i got along good with her, but it just took me awhile to get to know her.

i still remember the first time the three of us were going somewhere, and she reached up and took my hand before crossing a street.

it pretty much floored me.

i've always known that i want kids. there's never really been any doubt. yet somehow i don't really feel like i'm good with kids. at the same time, i know i'd be a good father. i know it.

i think that the sense of knowing and responsibility i'd have with my own kids would get past all my doubts and hesitations. not really much choice about it.

i look at my own parents, and how they raised me and the sisters. in that, they did a damn good job. we turned out pretty well.

of course, i look at some of the aspects of our relationship now, and i wonder how or if i'd be able to avoid the negative things. how do you successfully make the transition when your kids become adults? how do you deal with the new nature of the relationship?

in some very important ways, neither of my parents made that transition very well or gracefully.

well, anyway, some day i'll find myself with a baby in my arms again, and it'll be my child.

i can't even tell you how much i both fear and long for that day.