No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-07-18 - 2:17 p.m.

whiney git

the world doesn't seem real to me right now. i feel kind of disconnected, like i'm not really here. i don't want to be here. (that shouldn't be a surprise).

i haven't slept well at all this week. i'm deep, deep in the grips of one of my bouts of insomnia. i'm getting maybe four or five hours of sleep a night, with several awakenings in that time. i'm overcompensating with too much caffiene, which just adds to the problem. so i'm just very tired, and not really with it.

add to that the fact that one of my new fillings is making my life hell right now. it just started this morning, and is getting worse this afternoon. there's a dull ache which is really not very bad, and quite survivable. what's killing me is these occasional twinges of pain in the tooth. very bad. enough to make me wince every time. i need to call my dentist.

i have so much to do outside of work right now. i want to make some progess on BigSis's site, and my main computer is totally screwed up right now. i've had activities every night this week. tomorrow night i'll have to myself, but i'll need most of it to prepare for backpacking trip this weekend.

i think i might call in sick some day next week, just to catch up on sleep and get my life back together.

dammit, i forgot to put those bills in the mail this morning. i just realized that.

i want a new job. i know i say that all the time, but i do. i can't help feeling like i'm wasting my time here. i just don't want to be doing this, and i have so little interest in wasting this much of my life doing something i find mind-crushingly boring.

i wish i didn't have to work, or i had more time for the things i want to do.

but really, i don't make the time for the things i want to do. i waste my time on computer games and playstation, and don't take the time to sit down and write, or play music (that one i actually do sometimes) or start up aikido again, or act, or do some of the things i think would make life more worthwhile.

will someone please slap me and tell me to shut up?

thanks, i needed that.

i'm a big whiney git, and my tooth hurts, and i wanna go home and go to bed.

end transmission.

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