No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-08-06 - 11:36 p.m.

pure bliss

tonight, jo3, FriendFriend, T-Woman and i played again at Meade St.

we really didn't have a set figured out before we got there. about half an hour before we went on, we went outside, and sat on the sidewalk and went through the songs we were going to play.

we played "Romeo and Juliet" (i think i've played it once before), "Empty Box" (dude goes for it again), "Rain Dog", and "Fire Door".

R&J was just jo3 and i.

FriendFriend fired up the drum on "Empty Box" and kept playing all the way through. T-Woman sang "Fire Door".

i was damned nervous because i didn't feel well-rehearsed. i barely knew the songs. i'd played them before, but if i hadn't been able to see jo3's hands, i would have been lost.

i made several mistakes, but i'm proud that i was able to get back on track within half a measure in all cases.

all that being said, we rocked again. somewhere in "Empty Box" i started loosening up, and started having fun with it. playing with dynamics. really getting into it. pounding the sh*t out of my guitar and hearing the crowd respond.

goddamn if there's anything better in the world i don't know what it is.

the half hour before going on-stage is terrifying (works for theater too), and the first two minutes are even worse. after that...

pure bliss.

there really is nothing like it.

words fail me.

for every self-doubt, depression moment i've had in the past months, i need to have just one moment on stage. when i'm there, nothing else really matters.

after, people complimented us. an attractive woman made an effort to catch my eye as i went back to my seat. she said i'd done a really good job.

that alone was worth it.

(of *course* i didn't talk to her. this is me, remember)

joked around with FriendFriend. said some just ridiculous things. i mean, i got to be just f***ing stupid. i think at one point i actually made a phone with my thumb and pinky and said "ringy-dingy".

somebody shoot me.

met jo3's new friend, who might become his girlfriend. that sounded dumb, but i don't know how else to say it.

anyway, even though i just met her tonight, she was already talking about setting me up with one of her friends. ummm...okay.

great night. really, really great night.

i'm elated and tired and somehow obsessing about HymenopteraGirl, who i miss like crazy.

tonight validated some of the best parts of me, and made me feel better than i have in a long time.

but somehow, at the end of it all, the only arms i have to come home to are SmogMonkey's.

and he just wants to make me his bitch.

damn i need a girlfriend.

okay, loneliness aside, i love music, and i love to perform, and dammit i need to do more of that.

but we played again.

and we rocked again.

and that is all.

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