No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-08-08 - 4:50 p.m.

i am jack's complete lack of motivation.

i'm sure you've head the old phrase "power corrupts. absolute power corrupts absolutely."

i once had a history teacher who gave it a subtle, but profound spin.

"power attracts the corruptible."

well, i've been thinking of something which i count as a corollary. people whose lives are a constant drama attract drama to themselves.

i'm sure you know people who are always in the midst of some kind of crisis. there's always something earth-shattering going on, be it the job, or relationships, or whatever.

now, some people are just unlucky, or have bad periods in their lives. going through a tough divorce does not mean you're a drama queen. but there are people who live dramatic lives by choice, not by chance.

put it another way. in most situations the thing you have the most control over is your own reactions. drama queens react dramatically, and often over-react. this serves to take normal situations and turn them into dramas.

i'm trying to not become a drama queen. i don't think i am one usually. lately, i've been depressed, i've been dissatisfied, i've been bitter.

worse, i've been apathetic and lazy. i've been all these things and not done anything to make it better.

my friends lend a sympathetic ear and then give me helpful suggestions like "so find a new job", or "just take the first step tomorrow, just to get the ball rolling." or "call her, why don't you?".

while sometimes i just want to be able to vent without feeling like people are trying to "fix" me, i appreciate their advice. and you know what? they're right. i need to start doing things.

but i have a nearly inexhaustible supply of excuses right now. i have tons of reasons to do nothing.

i am jack's complete lack of motivation.

i am jack's will-crushing apathy.

i am jack's over-fondness for captain morgan's spiced rum.

so what i meant when i said i'm becoming a parody of myself is that i'm in a huge rut of self-recrimination and doubt. i know the good things i can do and be. i am intellectually aware of my positive aspects, and my potential. i know i am a good guy.

but somehow, i do nothing. me and SmogMonkey, we sit around and talk with the captain. and nothing gets done.

shortly after my 29th birthday i told my dad i'd have to check that list of things i wanted to do before i turned 30 and get cracking. when he asked what was on the list i said "the only thing so far is to make a list of things i want to do before i turn 30".

that was a joke.

i didn't mean for it to become my life.

i am not a drama queen.

i am not a drama queen.

i am not a drama queen.

believe it yet?

me neither.

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