No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-08-14 - 1:54 p.m.

fear and jobs

went to the Bull & Bush last night with HL. just like old times. we had a few beers and before i knew it we were laughing our asses off. she's a good egg. i miss hanging with her.

she's been unemployed since mid-June. she wasn't very happy with her job, so when there was talk of lay-offs she volunteered. she got two and half months severance, so she's been living the good life and the money's still coming in.

i wish that would happen to me. i'd love a little vacation.

i'm just burned out on work right now. i'm slowly coming to a realization that it is not *this* job per se that i hate (except the commute), but work in general.

i'm tired.

i'm tired of all the bullsh*t that comes with the work i do.

i wish i could play guitar and act and make a living at it. maybe i should try that out.

fear stops me.

i used to call it practicality, but really it's fear.

i fear not having a livelihood. not having enough money to live the way i want to.


fear also that i would come to look upon these activities i love, theater and music the way i now regard my job. fear that familiarity would breed contempt and i would lose that much more joy from my life.

i know i can do the job i have, i know that i'm good at it.

i can't convince myself that the same is true for theater and music. i'm not sure that i could hack it enough to make a living.

probably it's fear (and some laziness) that's keeping me from finding out.

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