No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-09-20 - 11:09 p.m.

when apologies hurt

be fore-warned, kiddies.

SmogMonkey's at the wheel tonight.

and he's got a belly-full of whiskey.

where to begin?

gently prodded by Rudy, i called EchoGirl again tonight.

she finally called back.

tonight the right girl said the wrong thing.

before i could say anything she said she'd talked to Rudy, and he'd said that the hug was long or weird or something.

you remember the hug?

she apologized for it.

didn't want me to think it was anything weird.

(didn't want me to think it meant anything).

apologized for it.

remember how jazzed i felt about that?

"you know where i made you feel good about yourself? sorry about that."

remember that part where she was standing there awkwardly?

wondering if she'd just given some poor goober the wrong idea.

then she asked why i'd called. i was pretty stuck, so i just confirmed all her fears and asked if she wanted to get together. i tried to make it sound casual. i suppose i could have come up with something else, but i couldn't think. i was reeling. and all thought was being drowned out by SmogMonkey's techno mix of the "Alone, alone, you're gonna die alone" song.

the first thing she said to that was "not soon".

apparently she's really busy.

so i made vague plans for next thursday. really, i was dying to get off the phone.

i was dying to be doing anything but what i was doing.

i was right, though.

she tried her best to let me down easy.

and i'm sure we'll still be friends.

but right at the moment i don't want to see her. and she'll be there saturday, and i won't want to see her then.

because i really, really can't fucking bear the idea of being in the presence of yet *another* amazing, beautiful, intelligent, incredible woman who would love to be my friend but wouldn't date me if i was the last man on earth.

and i appreciate her friendship. really i do.

but i have enough friends.

what i *don't* have is a woman who will love me.

and right now.

it feels like i never will.

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