2002-04-05 - 2:45 p.m.

Ass Doctrine

Yep, it's just a lazy, dog-dangling afternoon.

Yep.

Yep, yep, yep.

Did anyone see that thing on the Daily Show (I don't know what night it was on, cause I actually caught it yesterday morning) about the guy who thinks that there are subliminal ass-control waves coming from his TV? Seriously. He was watching Lou Dobbs on CNN and his ass started to tighten up, and he immediately drew the conclusion that the government was trying to control his mind through emissions targeting his ass. The interviewer was brilliant, because he was totally straight-faced and serious. The best part was when the interviewer explains the thing to a representative of the ACLU, who just lost it. Head on the table, tears streaming down his face, laughing enough to make himself sick. I'm telling you, kids, this is TV at it's finest.

Of course, the guy may actually have a point. Every time I see Dubya talking on the TV, my ass puckers up something fierce. I keep bran muffins around, just in case he makes a speech.

Seriously, though, I heard on NPR a reference to "The Bush Doctrine". Which is basically the whole thing about if you harbor terrorists, we'll treat you as a terrorist. Which really boils down to "You're with us or you're against us". Which, in all honesty, boils down to "Do what we tell you to or we'll kick your ass".

My question is how is this considered a Doctrine? When I hear Doctrine, I think about large, important ideas that shaped the course of our nation. Things like The Monroe Doctrine. Not always incredibly well thought out, but at least more profound than a playground taunt. I dunno, it just kind of pisses me off that Dubya's starting to build this legacy as a great leader, when he's just so freaking stupid. He means well, but sometimes I wonder what planet he came from.

I think maybe I'm going to declare my own Doctrine. And after all the talk of asses, I might as well call it the Ass Doctrine. You ready for it? Here it is. "Your ass aint for sittin' on, it's for shaking around." Get out there and boogie, party people. It's Friday ferchrissake.

Okay, I'm just trying to get myself hyped for the weekend, because I'm in that afternoon coma state. I'm bored as hell. I keep wondering when that Hollywood producer is going to waltz into my cube and offer me a three movie deal. Cause, you know, I'm thinking he's running kinda late.

I'll just go back to work now. You have a good weekend, you hear?