2003-05-05 - 1:37 a.m.

Where I break someone's heart to protect my own

Tonight was long and weird.

I wasn't sure what ShyGirl was feeling before tonight. I suspected, but I didn't know. Turns out she was feeling very much like she wants us to date. She started flirting with me during dinner.

I told ShyGirl that I couldn't date her. That I want to, but the timing is all wrong. Because she's not over FuckFace. Because she hurt me last fall, and it's hard to trust again. Because I am not a consolation prize.

As I expected, she didn't really react well to this. It didn't go well. She cried. She clung to me. I sat there and felt like the world's biggest heel.

The fact that it all happened in a restaurant during a power outage was...well...let's say I've had surgery that was more fun.

I paid. We left. I walked her back to her apartment, and I hung out until midnight. It's good that I did, because though the crying lasted a while, it did end. And we talked in an extremely honest manner. We both had things that needed to be said. And while hurtful things happened, it was all for the good.

We really like each other.

We're not dating.

I have to feel like she's over FuckFace before I can date her. I also think that she *really* needs some time alone. Of course, I found out tonight that she's been using match.com, and going out on a bunch of dates. Not a personal nominee for best idea of the year. She needs to learn to be happy by herself. I'm not the answer to her problems.

I dunno. I'm not doing a good job of describing all this. So fucking much happened tonight that I can't begin to describe it all.

I hurt her tonight, and I'm sorry as hell. It pains me more than I can say to hurt anyone. Especially someone I care about. I was the first one to cry tonight, because I knew as I was saying things that I was hurting her, and it just killed me.

But I had to take care of myself. I can't date her right now, as much as I want to, because I think that'd be doomed to failure. What I'm trying to figure out right now is, by holding out the hope that we will date some time in the future, am I giving her a realistic hope, or am I breaking her heart a piece at a time?