No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-08-21 - 11:38 a.m.

Open letter to Jim, more about strippers, and the continuing break-up saga

The entries are coming fast a furious right now, so if you find yourself lost, just go diggin.

Jimbo, I appreciate your envy about strippers, but it's really not as cool as it sounded. (By the by, it occurs to me that at some point I could sign your guestbook, or send you an email or something (though I know you never respond to emails) but somehow I just like having our conversations out here and forcing everyone else to play along. Rock!) The deal is this. Nobody got naked, nobody got frisky, nobody asked anybody out. Although, come to think of it, eRoommate did get digits. Myself, I was drunk off my ass, and not caring what anyone thought, particularly not these two women. I said many things that planted me firmly in the "geek" category (and enjoyed watching eRoommate squirm as I did). They were nice girls, but they didn't strike me as being all that bright. Though, a twenty-two year old stripper who plays enough video games that she has a Dave and Busters Gold Card? Yeah, that's okay. Anyway, before I reveal enough details that it starts to sound cool again, it was kind of a nice surprise, of the type that's really, really rare, but it didn't pull me out of my funk.

I am sad about breaking up with RockGirl. I hate to say it, but I'm kind of relieved, too. These past couple of months have been really hard. I deliberately didn't talk about it much in here, but it's been a constant struggle. That's part of what made it all end, is that I knew the breakup would be painful, but it eventually became more painful to go on as we were.

Speaking of the breakup being painful, here are a few little details of what happened during our two-hour conversation. (I talked to BigSis on the way home, and she declared that a new family record for breakup duration.)

RockGirl thinks that I'm afraid to love her. She thinks that I do love her, but I'm afraid to admit it. Therefore, my breaking up with her is in some ways, a conscious decision to hurt her.

RockGirl is an all or nothing kind of person. She couldn't seem to understand that my feelings could change. When I told her what my feelings were she said "So this whole thing was just a joy-ride for you?" (Which made me more angry than I've been in a *long* time.) When I told her that I had feelings for her, but that things changed, she said "If you were happy in the relationship, why aren't you happy now?" No matter how I tried, I couldn't seem to make her understand how I felt. We operate differently, and I realize now that it caused a lot of our problems during the relationship. We kept making incorrect assumptions about the other person's feelings.

She told me that she never wanted to see me again. When I told her I didn't want that, that I wanted to be her friend, she agreed, but told me it would be torture for her. I don't even know what to say about this.

She was hurting last night, and I was the one doing all the hurting. But it was hard for me, too. And it felt like everything she said was designed to hurt me.

There's a million more things to say, but I can't go on right now.

Chins up, kiddies. Cause just when it all looks bleak, there's always strippers. :)

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