No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes


Emotional explosion within the cast

There was a short entry earlier.

I'm not in a good place emotionally right now. Not just tonight right now (and let me tell you tonight was an emotional roller coaster) but just in life. I'm realizing this because I don't much feel like writing about what happened tonight. I don't want to deal with it and hash it all out completely.

This journal used to be my place for that. Things have changed. I still need this, but not in the same way.

Anyway, tonight. The show went well but the cast was low energy and seemed kind of surly before the show. After the show the director told us that if we didn't want to finish the run, we should let him know. It'd be okay, it wouldn't be a disaster, but if we weren't having fun anymore to let him know.

Of course, I just finally got myself up on stage after busting my ass as an understudy forever. I want like hell to do the show.

Anyway we went out as a cast to have a talk. There's been a lot of crap hanging out under the surface lately, festering. Here's the breakdown. The two women in the cast (S and BoBo) are dating each other. Two of the guys in the cast (C and Denial) expressed that the girls' relationship had changed the dynamic of the cast, and they had a lot of repressed anger about it. The last two cast members (Eze and myself) seem to be pretty much okay with everyone, and just want the show to go on, and for everyone to do well.

I understand the feelings of C and Denial, because it has seemed at times that S and BoBo kind of have their own little group that exists apart from the cast as a whole. Unfortunately, I felt the way they went about things tonight was needlessly confrontational and it felt to me like almost a witch-hunt.

I felt sick during the whole thing, really. Because I don't bear them any ill will. Any of them. I love them all. And I really want everyone to be happy.

I guess, long story short, that a lot of shit that had been held back got said. I thought a lot of it got said poorly, and a lot of feelings were hurt that didn't need to be. But in the end, there were many tearful apologies, and many admissions of guilt, and a general feeling of starting over.

There's a ton more, really, but I'm really fucking tired. I just want to go to bed.


Oh, I guess one more thing. Just to add to my emotional stress. I stayed at BigSis' last night to be with the dogs. One of the dogs has cancer and she's stopped eating. I couldn't coax her to eat anything at all. She's such a beautiful, vibrant, intelligent dog. I'm not ashamed to say I love her and it's tearing me up to see her decline. She's not long for this world and it's going to kill me to see her go.

Okay, sorry for all the angst. I'm going to sleep now.

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