No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-09-15 - 12:02 p.m.

a long rambling thing about EchoGirl

so last night Rudy called me up, and asked me to drive him down to the shop to pick up his car. and just as we were pulling out of the driveway, EchoGirl called him from DIA. her plane had just landed. we didn't think she was going to make it back last night. so we were off to DIA.

and the whole security thing is just weird. all these signs about all vehicles subject to search. and we pulled up to the passenger pick-up area, and there was a tow truck *right there* just waiting for anyone to do something suspicious, or leave their car for even a second. and EchoGirl wasn't out on the curb, so I asked this cop who was there (who when I got his attention said "Yes Ma'am". -- down side of being a long-haired hippy freak i guess) if i could wait like thirty seconds or should i circle, and he (in a somewhat embarrassed fashion) said to circle. so anyway, on the second pass we got EchoGirl and got the hell out of there.

and she'd had just a long, long, long day, and she said that everyone was really, really polite and subdued and almost too in control. and she said the airport was eerie. and she was exhausted and hadn't had a very good trip, and she must have been a bit freaked out by travelling and all the new crap. and she just kept talking and talking. and Rudy turned around in her seat and talked to her.

and i. for some reason, i was almost silent for most of the drive.

and i was in some kind of bad mood, or maybe i was freaked by the security stuff. and forgive me, forgive me, but i was not feeling very disposed towards EchoGirl for a bit. i don't know what was up, but i just was annoyed, but not really and maybe i was just tired. i don't know. it was a weird and awkward ride for me.

and then we dropped her off at Rudy's to pick up her car, and we still hadn't eaten, and were going to rent a movie, but she was really tired and just wanted to go home, which i totally understand. and we walked her to her car, and she hugged Rudy.

and then she hugged me.

and as i've already said, she give the *best* hugs in the world. and it was kind of a long hug. and i was saying things like "it's really good to see you and i'm glad you're back" and she was saying things like "i'm sorry i was a jabber-jaw, and it's good to see you to, and i'm really glad to be home". and the hug didn't end. for a while.

and then it did end.

and i stood there like a total goober, not saying anything, and just kind of grinning goofily.

and she got in her car and went home.

and Rudy told me (because i *really* needed a semi-objective opinion, because there was *nothing* objective about me) that it had been a *long* hug. and perhaps more importantly that while i was standing there like a goob.

EchoGirl was standing there like a goob, too.

and grinning goofily. right along with me.

and i can't even tell you how encouraging (in a weird way) that is.

and i know that Rudy is not completely objective, cause he wants to see us together. and i know that the fact that i've over-analyzed this to death falling asleep last night, and while working out this morning, and in this entry and i'll continue over-analyze it for days, that all of that is more likely to be my downfall than anything positive.

but suddenly i'm so back to smitten.

because she's the coolest person. she really is, she's just kind and joyful and exuberant and amazing. and every time i think about all that i think to myself "yeah that means she too good for you, it means that she'll never feel the same way about you". and i let the fears and doom take over, and i hold myself in check so that i won't get hurt.

but she was standing there, in that awkward moment, not knowing what to say or do any more than i was. with a goofy grin.

and CD and eRoommate and HeroMan and Rudy and i watched "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" (or as we used to call it "Hyperactive Rodent, Flatulent Tortoise") and CD, under repeated interrogation, refused to give any information about ImaginaryFriend, and at the end of the night said something like "i don't know where you guys got this".

and i know EchoGirl. we're friends. and i don't want that friendship to end. but i don't think that it would end, really, if she turns me down.

and, perhaps most important of all, right now i don't think she will turn me down.

maybe that's just the beer talking (not really. i'm not really drinking beer at noon on a saturday. it's cap'n), but i think she might actually like me.

and man oh man oh man oh man right now i like her so much.

and now i have to stop talking about this because i'm starting to get terrified of being hurt. i'm starting to fear again.

and i'm going to need all the courage i can get.

because i'm going to ask her out.

honest and for true.

and oh, oh, oh she gives the *best* hugs in the world.

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