No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-02-04 - 12:25 p.m.

In this house we obey the laws of Thermodynamics

Are you familiar with the concept of Entropy? I think it's the second law of Thermodynamics, whereby every time energy changes form (say from potential to kinetic, or kinetic to thermal, or monetary to alcoholic) some of it is forever lost. My dad (an engineer) once explained it succinctly to me as "you can't get something for nothing".

In my own life, Entropy is a very real force. It works this way. If I don't give a certain aspect of my life enough attention, it slowly devolves into chaos.

Today, I am in chaos. I have a *huge* list of things I need to accomplish, and most of them involve using my computer. But to use my computer at all, I first had to replace the processor fan so it wouldn't decide to just die on me, as it has been doing quite a bit recently.

That's been accomplished, after probably twice as much work as was warranted. Now, I have to figure out what the hell is up with my email account, since I was recently informed that email has been bouncing for nearly a week.

Once that is working, I have a slew of emails I need to send. For want of a nail...


In other news, I am making myself crazy. Why must I always, *always* think? I think too much. I worry too much. I over analyze situations. I can't seem to stop the constant babble of my thoughts and just enjoy a moment.

This current rant is brought on by a disparity in conversation that I've noticed lately between myself and RockGirl. I'll distill it down to what I view as the central point.

RockGirl: Next YEAR, we can go visit my parents.

Me: Next WEEK, we should go see a movie.

RockGirl: Next MONTH we can do this.

Me: TOMORROW I'm very, very busy.

There's a difference in scale in our assumptions. I need to remind her that though she thinks I'm unlike any other guy, I'm still a *guy*. You know. A guy? Those freaky organisms that have a tendency to run at the first sign of commitment? Those people who, against their own better judgement, have been known to throw away relationships over a concept that even they can't understand, and can only refer to as "space"? Those wacky dudes, who when faced with a tender moment and the imminent appearance of the dreaded "L" word, are more likely to be wondering how on earth the Rams and the Patriots *both* managed to blow all their second half timeouts so damned early? Guys.

They're stupid. They're skittish. They're not to be trusted.

And this one is starting to feel pressured.

And I *hate* that I'm feeling this way. Because she really is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. She is. And the last thing I want is for her to go away.

But I need to slow down. And I'm having trouble figuring out how to say that to her.

But I better.

And soon.


Okay, I *cannot* end on that note. I've been stewing about way too much of late. It needs to end.

Let's see. Busy weekend. Promo shots for Lear. Moving into the theater space. Less than two weeks till we open now. So much to do there, so much to do. I was designated the Fight Captain. Which means that when our official Fight Choreographer is around, my word is law with regards to fights. I'm responsible for checking up on the care of the weapons, and for organizing fight rehearsals prior to ever performance. It's kind of cool, and hopefully will build my resume.

Voice lessons are going well. I'm starting to feel like my teacher is more a musical mentor than anything else. He's going to help me with some of my songs, maybe suggest different arrangements or something. He also wants me to put together a set list, and work with me on all the songs. Basically, he remembers that I said I want to gig and he's not going to let me forget that or back down from it. I'm very lucky to have found such a cool and encouraging teacher.

Over home-made sushi the other night, OriginalWhiteGuy suggested I find a school for video work or sound stuff (see how up I am on the terminology?). Basically, he was saying I might consider learning to be a camera-man, or sound tech, or basically anything that would get me onto the set without being an actor. Something to get me more exposure to The Biz, and help me make connections. Not a bad idea. It's on my list of things to look at today.

Speaking of which, this is a honking entry and I still have a *lot* to do. Check back in a few days, and I might have updated again.

Have a good one.

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