No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-11-02 - 2:06 p.m.

Feeling a wee bit wonky today

I'm feeling a wee bit wonky today.

My fever broke sometime last night. Some time around two or three in the morning, I think. I know because I was awake at both of those times. I may have slept between, but it's hard to tell.

I had one of those surreal, endless nights. The cold medication I took before going to bed was apparently of the "may make you irritable" variety, because I was lying in bed, all jittery and wide awake for at least two hours. Then, once I *finally* fell asleep, I kept waking up. I stopped counting at about fifteen times.

So all told, I was in bed for like nine and a half hours, and got maybe four hours of sleep.

Add to weak, sickly, sleep-deprived and wonky my new glasses. For those of you who don't wear glasses, when you get a new pair, with a stronger prescription, the whole world looks funny for a day or two. You slowly get used to the distant fuzzyness as your eyes get worse (because it happens so slowly). But when you suddenly shift to clearer vision, everything seems odd for a bit, like looking through a fish bowl. Peripheral vision in particular is whacked out.

So I'm feeling a wee bit wonky today.

On another note, I know I've been bitching about work a lot recently. Not without good reason, mind you. You may have gotten the impression that I'm not doing anything about it. Au contraire, mon frere. I am currently deep, deep, deep in ruminations about What I Want To Do When I Grow Up. I'm currently pointing at a combination of freelance/contracting/consulting computer work, and music and theater. I really, really, really want to perform. If not as a career, then at least as a consuming hobby.

I know that saying I'm thinking about it may seem like a chicken-shit way of putting it off more, and staying in my comfort zone. But I'm thinking very seriously about it. I'm making lists. I'm making promises to myself. I'm ferchrissake posting little post it notes on the inside of my bedroom door. So every day before I go out and face the world, I have to see them and be reminded of the commitments I'm making to myself.

By the way, this is one of those things that I have in common with BigSis. She's all about the inspirational messages on post-it notes. This reminds me, we recently discovered that in terms of Myers-Briggs personalities, I have three of the four in common with BigSis, and am *exactly* the opposite of TwinSis. TwinSis and I have *none* of the personality type thingies in common. None. So much for psychic twin closeness and all that rubbish.

There was something else, what was it?

Oh yeah. One, well two, other things about this week. One, since I've been so heinously sick all week, I haven't exercised at all since Sunday. Not good. I hope this doesn't derail my re-sculpt j$ plan. Although I still have been eating sparsely this week, so maybe that will help.

The second is that for some reason the whole loneliness monkey that's been on my back and clawing at my eyes seems to have dropped off and gone in search of bananas. Seriously, for some reason I haven't had all those nagging "you're gonna die alone" kind of thoughts this week. Maybe I've been too distracted by career ruminations and illness. Whatever it is, I like it. It's self-destructive to obsess about that crap too much.

Okay, this took way longer than I can spare. I need to get out there and work on shifting some blame around before I bubble to the top of the "who to lay off" list.

Have a good day, all you wonky wankers. (Boy, once you start saying it, you just can't stop. Wonky, wonky, wonky).

I need a life.

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