No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-04-19 - 9:34 a.m.

Damn, who need this much angst on a Friday morning?

Too little time. Too little time to do the things that are important to me. Too little time to breathe.

Geez, I wish I didn't have to have a day job. I could get so much more accomplished without these wasted hours in my day. I'm selling off my life in eight-hour increments.

This morning I had a conversation with eRoommate about the fact that I was unprepared for acting workshop on Wednesday. I need to set aside some time during the week to really practice my scenes. Not to mention practice guitar and singing. Not to mention breathe.

I've overcommitted myself, and it's only going to get worse. I really should quit the gaming groups I'm in with RockGirl. I should. I don't have time for it. OriginalWhiteGuy, who runs them, would understand. RockGirl would not.

We're already approaching that point where she gets grumpy about not seeing me enough. She talks the supportive talk ("Don't feel bad, you have to do these things. They're important to you, and I understand that") but she can't walk the walk. She says what she knows to be all the right things, but underneath I can hear the gears grinding. I can see the smoke rising. It's a slow, smoldering burn, but when there's enough spark...

Speaking of spark. Tomorrow will be four months I've been dating RockGirl. And. Um. Yeah. With the spark.

Or lack thereof.

I feel like the social pressure for us to stay together is part of what's keeping me with her. Everyone wants us to be the happy couple. Everyone would be incredibly dissapointed with me and pissed off if I broke up with her. (Especially Mom. I actually think she might disown me.)

Everyone loves her.

Except for me.

And hey, here we are on a Friday morning and why have I chosen to go down this little emotional trail right now? Shit, I need a break.

Speaking of which, I'm kinda pissed off. Yesterday everybody in the office was gone. Every employee of this company (which excepted me as I'm just a contractor) were flown out to HQ for a big meeting. I figured, cool, I'll work from home and just kind of chill out. Who's to know?

Yeah, well the bitch of an office manager had the network admin call me up and leave a panicky message on my voice mail. Something about I have to be in the office *right* *now* and it's really important and blah, blah, blah. So I rush in to the office. Turns out there's nothing important for me to *do* in the office, she just wanted to make sure I was there.

Why? Because she doesn't trust me to actually do any work if nobody's around. And because she's a bitch.

So yesterday I was stuck in an empty office. And it was beautiful outside. And I hate this fucking place.

Which brings me back to why the hell do I need a job to begin with? I need to find a way to make a living at acting, because this bullshit is going to suck the life out of me.

Big smiles everyone. It's Friday in corporate America. Enemas on the right, lobotomies on the left. Big smiles.

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