No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-09-13 - 10:21 a.m.

getting on, and a whisper into the chaos

so i continue to have little of worth to say. but personally, the shock is starting to ebb. last night was gaming night, and we spent the first hour talking about it. because. because we *all* need to talk about it.

but then we played, and thanks to CandleMan, we escaped it. because that's what these nights are about. escapism. getting away from ourselves, and forgetting all the cares of the day. and it worked. and we joked and laughed and had a good time. and damn, it felt good.

and then i got back into my car to go home, and bbc world service was on, and i marvelled at how what happened had affected their cricket matches, and why was that news? and then there was *real* news, and there was more talk about what happened on the planes, and what's going on now at the wtc, and it's all a blur, but it all came rushing back and i felt so sad.

but today. today i feel like i'm actually ready to get on with life. because i'm lucky. i'm luckier than i could ever appreciate. that my life is relatively untouched. i'm touched as all americans are, but everyone i love is still breathing in and out, and i'm trying to be aware of what a blessing that is. but, i'm getting on. with life. and i know there are many who can't do that yet, won't be able to do that for a good long while. but if this country is to recover, then the rest of us, who can get on with life, we must get on with life. donuts need to be made and consumed; the street lights need to turn green, then yellow, then red and back to green; people need to go to the movies, and sit in the dark, and escape themselves for awhile; life *needs* to go on.

i just hope we all realize how lucky we are.

that our lives.

can go on.

i was telling my pen pal yesterday how important music is to me, how it helps me cope. and i realized on the way in today that i hadn't listened to *any* music since monday night. so today, no npr at work. and right now. shawn is holding on to me like a diamond in the rough.

and i can't even begin to tell you how good it sounds.

i have one and only one more thought for today. i deliberately reminded myself this morning of McVeigh. how he was responsible for so much death. and he was unrepentant and defiant to the end. and i. i still think it was wrong. it was wrong to kill him.

and i have so much anger. and i see how much anger is around me. and i am torn. more torn than these words can convey.

but somewhere. at the heart of all that is me.

i know it's wrong.

and three left turns may make a right, but you can stack up wrongs all the way to heaven, and never get anything right out of it.

so i know there's a lifetime worth of "eye for an eye" in my heart, and the hearts of every american.

so i just wanted to add one little whisper to all the chaos.

"turn the other cheek"

and i know how ridiculous that sounds right now, but right and wrong know nothing of scale. Stalin said "kill one man and it's a tragedy, kill a million and it's a statistic."

but it's still wrong.

the people behind this, no matter the numbers they're responsible for, were wrong.

but if we go out and do what everyone (including large, large parts of me) want us to do.

we'll be just as wrong.

if you find this offensive, i'm sorry. if you've lost friends, loved ones, family in this act, i'm sorry. and i'm sorry to say this. because i know how many people will hate me for it.

but i have to speak my heart.

"turn the other cheek"

"thou shalt not kill"

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