No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-08-21 - 3:04 p.m.

hair, new song, job angst

i forgot to put my hair gel in this morning, so now my bangs are hanging straight down my face. they've nearly reached my chin, and i have a habit of sucking on the ends. weird and just a little disconcerting.

i reminds me of a news item i saw about a teen-aged girl who after years and years of compulsively chewing on her hair, died of a stomach blockage. she had filled her stomach with her own hair (which does not digest) and it killed her.

true story. i swear.

i'm working on a new song. just kind of kicking around lyric ideas so far. haven't started on the music yet, but thinking it needs to be bluesy. last night i had a dream that i was playing this new song at Meade St. in my dream, i had all the lyrics done, and i remember singing them all (of course, i can't remember what they were now. hopefully my subconscious will spit them back out). i was singing up a storm. the crowd was going nuts. it was a bona-fide rock star god dream.

Rudy may have a line on a job opp for me at his new job. i promised myself that the next job i got would be bio-related somehow. this is not. but i'm still feeling tempted. i don't want to just jump around from job to job. i'm afraid that i'll just be running to another job that i'll end up hating in six months. i don't want to jump from failure to failure.

i want to be constant and faithful. i do. i want to find the right job and stay in it. i don't want to be a mercenary.

but damn, i don't enjoy my job right now. just the fact of working in Capital Hill instead of the God-benighted Tech Center would be a huge boon.

i'm afraid, though that i'm burned out on work in general, and not just this job. if that's the case, then there's no guarantee that i'd like the next job any more.

i don't know.

i don't know what to do.

but i wish i were happier.

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