No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-10-28 - 12:29 a.m.

The weekend that I was half-deaf, and oh, yeah, more angsty crap

Busy weekend. Okay, actually not terribly busy, but it felt busy because I all the time I was awake I was oot and aboot. I spent a *lot* of time sleeping this weekend. I've got a nasty head cold, and my left ear is totally blocked up. I can't hear a damn thing out of it, which makes it really annoying to act and sing, let me tell you. I just kind of throws everything a little off-kilter.

Saturday (yesterday) I went and presented a scene from the musical at a little local actor/screenwriter gathering thing. (Yeah, I'm a writer.) Anyway, I went from there to the show. I went from there to home. eRoommate had rented Fellowship of the Ring, so I watched that. Then I went to bed. Even with daylight savings time, I slept past noon today. I gotta work on that.

Today, I had a read-thru for the film I'm in. I met the rest of the cast for the first time. Well, except for one guy who I've worked with before. I'm really starting to feel like I'm part of the in crowd here as far as acting goes. I mean, not the In in crowd, cause they're like, getting paid and stuff, but I'm making connections in the "we're independent and do it for the love of it, and do some good work" in crowd. Whatever.

One of the things that I keep thinking is funny, though I'm getting more used to it, is the way that you just have to pretend to be all cuddly and intimate and shit with someone who you just met. I mean, we did some still shots of the cast, and the woman who plays my girlfriend and I had to get all cute and huggy, and we'd met about fifteen minutes prior. Kinda weird. I think she's the director's girlfriend, too. I dunno. Anyway, I have some hopes that it'll be a good film. At the very least it's good experience.

I went from there to BigSis' birthday party. I was late, because I accidentally double-booked. I'm feeling like I'm such a loser right now. I've really neglected my friends and my family. Part of it is that I don't really feel too good about myself right now, and I tend to want to hole up by myself when that happens. I know I have reasons to feel good. I mean, I'm growing as an actor, and I'm definitely getting better. But financially, I'm a loser. I need to get back to being solvent. I'm sick of money being a constant worry.

I dunno.

Anyway, I'm contemplating an email to ShyGirl. I'm not sure I should. I recognize in myself a tendency to pin my romantic hopes on someone who is unattainable. That way, I don't have to actually deal with the possibility of a real relationship developing. I can just wallow in my loneliness and justify not doing anything.

I could ask out Al. I know that she'd at least go out on one date with me. She's definitely attractive, and I know she's available. But I don't really think she likes me, though it's kinda hard to tell. Anyway, I'm afraid of blowing the cast dynamic. Either way things worked out, it could screw with the way we work together, and I can't do that to the show. I know myself too well. I've nearly blown shit up with Otter, and we resolved the whole dating issue thing in about a week. And we're still tiptoeing around each other.

No, I shouldn't really ask out Al.

And I shouldn't really pursue ShyGirl. Cause, you know. Boyfriend.

And really, I'm not sure I'm ready to date again.

Damn. Why do I write this shit?

Better yet, why do you read it?

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