No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-12-09 - 7:13 p.m.

Let the holiday shit-storm begin

Buckle up kiddies. We're entering the holiday season. Or, as I like to call it in j$ world "That season of the year when everyone goes totally bitch cakes, every relationship goes to hell and normal life becomes a complete emotional shit-storm".

Happy Holidays, y'all.


The sisters and I are going out to visit Grandpa after Christmas. We're pretty much going to say goodbye. If he lasts long enough to give us that chance. That's pretty much all there is to say about that.


Tonight I got a call from ShyGirl. I called back. There were moments when it was just like it was, for that short little time that we were hanging out. Then she told me that she's moving in with FuckFace in January.

I used to be able to say to her anything that came to mind.

Now I can't.

Because I want to tell her that he's a dick and she's making a big mistake, and that she needs to experience loneliness in her life at least once, just to help her find out who she is, and that when she's done with that, that *I'm* the guy who should be coming over to make soup when she feels sick.

I told her that I can't say everything to her anymore. That I had been starting to open up to her, but that now things are different and that I need to take some time to protect myself.

I promised to call.


After that call, I succumbed to some guilt pangs and called up OriginalWhiteGuy and Starling, who I haven't talked to in a dog's age. I felt bad about that, but I hadn't been talking to them much because they were so very close to RockGirl, and I wanted some space from that whole thing.

Well, it turns out in the months of little communication, OWG and Starling's marriage has gone to hell. OWG is talking divorce. I only talked to Starling, and I'm expecting a call back from OWG.

According to Starling, what brought all the problems to the forefront is that OWG thinks he's in love with RockGirl.

I was planning on calling RockGirl tonight, too. I'm not sure if I will.

I must admit that my first inclination is to lay some blame at RockGirl's feet. I obviously have reason to believe that her take on relationships is a bit skewed. But I don't know even close to the whole story yet.

It's a shit-storm alright.


Okay, so I had a nice long talk with OWG.

It's still a shit-storm.

I'm still inclined to lay some blame at RockGirl's feet. There are tons of extenuating circumstances, but I still disapprove of her actions. If I'd have been in her shoes (as I recently was, re ShyGirl) I would have judged her actions as immoral.

I think RockGirl is a person who unconsciously sabotages her own happiness. I don't think she knows how to deal with being happy. I think her influence on Starling and OWG's marriage has been decidedly bad. I meant to call her tonight, but I'm not going to. I'm not sure when or if I'll call her, now.


I think I'm going to call BigSis.

Right now I really need to believe that some relationships work.

I need to believe that love can last.

Tell me it does.

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