No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-08-29 - 1:28 p.m.

um... just a dream ... and some guilt ... and some random stuff ... and hypochondria .. yeah, that's cool

somewhere in the back of my head, i can hear sam shaber saying "oh, how nice for you, that you finally did" from walking at night. it's apropos of nothing, but just the way that she delivers that line, the tone of voice the by-god-attitude just sums up all of me today.

i had a dream last night that Mom had paid a bunch of money for me to go to boy scout camp this weekend, and i was trying to beg off because i have to work on BigSis' site (not even in dreams am i safe from my deadlines) and she was doing her patented mountain o' guilt thing and i ended up walking up to a camp fire down at Peaceful Valley (where i actually *did* attend boy scout camp as a youngster), dressed in my old boy scout shirt (which i know for a fact would never fit, but somehow it was on, though the buttons were straining) and wondering to myself "now how did i get here, and how long do i have to stay before i can leave, and will they give me crap because of my long hair?"

weird. night-time angst.

this has been the week of stupid, boring pointless meetings. this accompanied with my caffeine cutback has made each work day a surreal gauntlet. i try like hell to stay awake and alert and pay some form of attention, and instead i drift off and wander.

so tired, so tired. and my lower back hurts today. and i don't know why. i haven't done any heavy lifting recently (except that aforementioned mountain o' guilt, but that was in a dream). i find myself wondering about kidney stones. i find myself wondering if i'm becoming a hypochondriac.

i find myself wondering "how the hell did i get here?"

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