2002-12-04 - 1:54 p.m.

Letting go, or not

I promise that soon I'll shut up and get on with my life. I just won't do it quite yet.

I am a goober. I am more upset by the whole ShyGirl situation than the situation actually warrants. I am a pathetic moron.

Last night I stayed up until I was so tired that I could barely move. I was falling asleep in my chair. As soon as I went to bed, I was wide awake. I stared at the ceiling again. All night.

You know what I couldn't get out of my head?

There was this moment, on our one official date, when we were going up some icy stairs, and I offered my arm to steady her (which I often do for Mom, so it's an ingrained habit) and there was this awkward fumbling of does she want the help, and how does she take my arm, and in the end we were holding hands. And I left my hand in hers for a moment, and really liked it. Because those are the things that I'm a sucker for. (Lovers smile in silent foreplay, gently grazing guared fingertips, as they walk) And then I became aware of what I was doing, and that whole "I don't want to push things too fast" fear came up, and I let go of her hand.

Last night I was wishing I hadn't let go of her hand.

Here's something that ocurred to me last night while I was driving. She's told me that she's afraid to be alone. What if she went back to FuckFace because of that? What if she just got scared to be alone, and I wasn't enough there to keep her from feeling alone. She got back together with him while I was away. On Thanksgiving, cause no one likes to be alone over the holidays (I speak from experience there, yo).

Now I'm getting sick of myself again. I'm moping. Over someone who probably isn't worth the effort. Stimpy told me over IM yesterday that it wasn't meant to be. If ShyGirl was my lobster, she wouldn't be back with FuckFace. Probably true.

But still bumming me out.

I'm still wishing I hadn't let go of her hand.