2002-10-25 - 12:08 p.m.

Losing motivation, and musical practice

For some reason, on each of the past two days I've written an entry and then deleted it before posting. I just kept looking at what I had to say and thinking "there's no way that could be of any interest to anyone, including myself." Which I know isn't really true, but I've been kind of down on myself the past couple of days. I'm kinda feeling down in general. Not sure why.

You ever get the feeling that no matter what task is before you, it's just too much trouble to complete? Doesn't really matter how big or small, or how important, it just seems to be too much. Get a job? Too much trouble. Clean the car? Too much trouble. Brush my teeth? Too much trouble. Not that I've completely lost touch with personal hygiene, nor have I blown off everything. But it's starting to feel like my lack of motivation is reaching critical mass.

One exception to this. The other night, I made some really progress in writing. I sat for almost five hours and kept writing. Every time I thought to myself, "I'll let this sit for a while and come back later to do the next scene.", instead I just started the scene and somehow it finished itself. I now have a completed first draft for a short film screenplay. It's 24 pages long (it might grow or shrink a few pages in revision) which means it'd be about 24 minutes long. If it's ever shot. Which you never know.

My big dilemma now is whether or not to take it to a workshop tomorrow. See there's this local writer's group that workshops screenplays and the like. I know some of the people, but I've never been to a meeting. First cause I've never had anything to show. Second, and more applicable now, because I'm scared shitless to go.

Last night I had my first rehearsal for a staged reading of a musical that I'm going to be in. The whole singing thing. Ugh! Usually when I sing on-stage (it amazes me I can even say that) it's to a tune written by myself or one of the other cast members. Which means that I can fudge the melody just a bit and nobody will know or care. This is a musical, and I was singing in front of the composer, and the melody is freaking hard, and he's a goddamned stickler for staying with it. Ugh! I say again Ugh! I'm gonna have to practice my ass off.