2002-04-18 - 1:07 a.m.

More whining, and raw emotions and something about lye.

There was an earlier entry today (yesterday) all about sour grapes and whine. This one is all about the whine.

Tonight was acting workshop.

I left there feeling like I'd taken a four-hour bath in lye. Just scrubbed raw. To the point of bleeding.

See, it seems the way for me to improve my acting is to tap into my emotions. To bring them to the surface. ActingCoach told me that I have the intellectual part figured out, but that I'm too much into that. I need to get the emotional part down. I need to be able to open myself up and be vulnerable.

I told him my frustrations with the Cow Place rehearsal and the Golden Boy who just makes characters up like nothing. He told me that the reason I'm jealous of GoldenBoy (and I am) is that he has that natural talent to not back down. He sees the character, and he goes there, and yeah, maybe he scares himself, yeah, maybe it's not appropriate or comfortable, but so fucking what? You scare yourself and you don't back down from it. You don't flinch.

And I was just so worked up and messed up and pissed at myself and all of that,

that I came home and just read for a while and drank a couple of beers. And now I'm here, feeling a buzz and feeling some of that oh-so-familiar self-loathing, and I don't feel a lot of urge to get up in the morning. Especially considering that the whole office will be in Minneapolis tomorrow, except for me.

Goddamn, I gotta get this acting thing figured out. I sit at my computer all day at work and think "I don't want to be here". I gotta find a way to make each

day a practice in doing something I love.

I just gotta.