No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-05-14 - 2:35 p.m.

Motivation and AOTC.

So I was realizing something over the past day or two. Different activities in my daily life right now motivate me to do different things. It's making me realize something about what things I do that are "healthy" for me and my state of mind and what things I do that aren't.

Let me try to clarify this. I come to work every day. I sit here and I do computer things. I check that the reports ran. I look for new trouble tickets and bug reports and try to resolve them. I wrestle with the database. I write code that I'm generally not happy with. During all this time I think about non-work related things. A lot. In every spare moment. The things I think about are: computer games, movies, television, drinking beer, etc. I think about things that are distractions. Ways to pass (or waste) time. Because the time here seems to go so slowly. I'm freaking bored here, and anyone who knows me could see that.

Then I leave and I go to some kind of acting class or rehearsal. And the time there goes so fast. I enjoy the hell out of it. When I leave I think about reading plays to improve my breadth. I think about fight coreography (I came up with a great farcical sword fight while I was in the shower this morning). I think about working on my screenplay. I get excited about things, and I feel motivated to do creative things.

I've always been one of those people who does things either all the way or not at all. I have no interest in doing computer stuff these days. It just feels like it's sucking the life out of me. I wonder if I'd be happier just working at Starbucks or something like that. Really.

I just want to fill my days with things I love, and not with things I hate.

Anyways, that's what's on my mind on this gloomy Tuesday. Tonight is unarmed stage combat, then headed over to a friends to hang out (probably till the wee hours). Tomorrow night is broadsword class.

Thursday morning?

Yeah. 10am tickets. Attack of George Lucas' Wallet. I'm not as psyched about it as I've

been in the past, but I'm still enough of a geek to go see it opening day (and take off work to do so). What are you gonna do? At least this time I have a girlfriend who's coming with me on opening day. So, you know, that's kind of cool.

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