No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2003-02-19 - 12:22 p.m.

Some new things, including a modicum of optimism

Here are some of the new things in my life.

Village Voice radio over the internet. Almost good enough to make me want to move to New York. Almost. (Though they just fired up the Backdoor Boys, and yesterday there was Hole, so, you know, every so often when eating a sundae, you do bite into a cockroach.)

Job interview on Friday. I'm trying to brush up on things and be prepared to pretend that I've continued to be interested and active in computers for the past year. When, really, you know, I could go the rest of my life without another computer job and be okay about it. But, you know, caught between the longing for love and the struggle for the legal tender.

Stomach flu, or stomach polio, or salmonella, or Rigellian rot-gut, or something. Yesterday I spent the hours from 6am to noon either sleeping under a towel on the bathroom floor, or selling buicks to Ralph over the porcelain telephone. Ugh. I could really do without that in my life.

Why is it that everything I want to do all happens at the same time? I'm looking at a stage combat class in Rapier and Dagger, and possibly joining a martial arts/stunt team that meets at *exactly* the same time. Pisses me off. I need desperately to get back into shape.

Something vaguely resembling optimism. Probably because of the possible prospect of a real job. Also, though I desperately need the money, I pretty much decided not to finish the promotion job thing. I was clinging to some shreds of dignity, but I just didn't want to do it. And then, at some point, I actually couldn't force myself to do it.

Every so often, you have to do the wrong thing, just to prove you still can.

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