2001-10-09 - 10:10 p.m.

no where near good enough

just got home from dinner. saw EchoGirl for the first time since i bailed on our not-date. some awkwardness. some weirdness. too many of those little smiles that tear me up inside. reminders why it's probably best that i won't date her. more often, reminders why i'd like so badly to date her.

and a hug at the end.

and i just want to cry.

you wanna know why i don't have any self-confidence?

because despite everything that i know i have going for me, amazing women like EchoGirl keep turning me down.

and every time it just rips me apart.

i don't do things quickly, or rashly.

i don't by nature force my affections on anyone.

all issues of self-confidence aside, it takes me some time to not just get up the nerve to ask a woman out, but to decide that a woman is *worth* asking out. it's a slow process, and i take it seriously.

and when i get rejected, it hurts.

it hurts me more than it should, and for damn sure it hurts me more than it does most guys.

i don't know why, but it does.

so i take it badly when i get turned down. and loneliness, yep, that hurts too. but it's a dull and familiar ache. it's grown, in a sick way, almost comfortable. it is generally preferable to the sharp, stabbing pain of rejection.

it's got to the point where i almost prefer the loneliness. at least i know i can bear it.

and i want things to be ok between me and EchoGirl. i want us to be friends.

but right now it's pretty fucking hard to see her.

and to know.

that she's amazing and incredible and gorgeous.

and in her eyes, i'm no where near good enough for her.

yep.