2002-04-28 - 11:32 p.m.

Not Giving Up

i'm a fucking mess

i was a complete asshole tonight. hell, i was a complete asshole this whole weekend. i blew off

RockGirl and i treated her like shit and i'm so much of an asshole and an idiot that i could write for years and never convey the contempt i feel for my recent behavior.

tonight i called up RockGirl (because i was too much of a coward to even go over) to break up with her.

and brutal does not even begin to describe it.

very, very bad things were said on both sides.

many things that were misunderstood, or hidden, or assumed and should long since have come out came out all at once.

and brutal does not even come close.

but i was in this cold zone and i just wanted it to be over, and i had this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and i knew that i was wrong and i knew that i was an asshole, and i hated myself and i just wanted it all to be over.

and RockGirl refused to give up on me.

go back. read that again.

RockGirl. refused. to give up on me.

she wouldn't get off the phone until i could say that it was over.

and i couldn't say it.

she wouldn't get off the phone until i talked to her.

and so i finally did.

i'm scared.

i told her all this stuff about how i didn't have strong feelings for her, how i couldn't see me being in a long-term relationship with her.

she told me that i couldn't feel those things because i wouldn't let her in.

then she told me that about a hundred times more.

and somewhere in there i realized she was right.

i haven't let her in. because i don't know how.

because i'm scared.

i'm scared like hell of being hurt.

you see, it just may be that i *could* love her, but i'm afraid to let myself try.

and i don't know for sure. i don't know.

but it's the best chance i've had in years and maybe the best chance i'll ever have. to find love.

and she *would* *not* give up on me.

and at the end of it all i ended up weeping into the phone apologizing like crazy, and begging her not to give up on me.

and she didn't.

and she won't.

and i'm a fucking mess right now, and i could fill the grand canyon with self-loathing, but on the other hand, i feel better than i have in weeks.

because despite all of the shit i've done, and all i've put her through, RockGirl didn't give up on me.

i think it's going to take me a while to really grasp the enormity of that.

i'm going to bed.