No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-10-15 - 12:02 a.m.

Nothingness, and then some optimism, masquerading behind yet *more* bitching about loneliness.

Today was a day of Nothingness. Or very near to it.

I had a list of things to accomplish today. Only one thing on that list got done. That was the gym.

Watching the Broncos win was on my list, and I did my part, but they, sadly, fell through on their side of the bargain.

There was a lot of sitting around, some reading, some TV. The daily email missives. Rudy and HeroMan popped by in the evening for some cards.

Tonight I am continuing my effort to avoid the maudlin. To resist the pessimism that colors my thoughts. Somewhere out there in my future is the picket fence and the well-scrubbed kids. Somewhere out there in the vast unknown are PTA meetings and a life more ordinary and yet more spectacular than the one I currently live.

Sure, there are a lot of wrong turnings I could take between here and there. But to be honest, the biggest of those...

Is Nothingness.

See there's a continuum. It goes from Cowardice, to Caution, to Common Sense, to Confidence. It's been a long time since I've seen the latter end of that continuum, and I've been living quite a long while between Caution and Cowardice.

And that leads to Nothingness.

You know..."How's your love-life j$?"

"Epitomizing Nothingness, thanks for asking."

And despite the fact that I'm sitting here bitching about being lonely *again*, what I'm really saying is that I'm not as worked up about it as I usually am.

And I'm trying, consciously trying, to avoid the pessimism, and the maudlin, and the self-fulfilling doom and gloom.

And I got a reminder this weekend.

That worst-case scenarios?

That's just what they are. Worst. Case.

The worst case doesn't happen all the time.

It doesn't even happen very often.

And since I don't need to be expecting the worst case at all times, maybe I can shift away from Cowardice. Maybe even travel through Caution, and throw it to the wind.

Cause, you know, statistically, that Best Case?

It's bound to show up eventually.

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