No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-02-16 - 2:36 p.m.

Opening Night

So, yeah I've been wandering around in a tizzy of guilt and mixed-up emotions over RockGirl. Because dammit I need my space. And last night I was all worked up and not really ready for opening night and I was kind of pissed at her and everything. And then she brought me flowers, and was really nice and considerate all night and charmed the pants off everyone at the cast party and just made it really hard to me to be upset.

Until this morning, when suddenly I needed to flee again. I just needed to flee. I needed to have some alone time.

And my pen pal was kind enough to remind me that yeah, actually, it should be about me. That guilt aside, I need to take care of me. And it's okay to not fall in love. And not to beat myself up about it.

And that really was just what I needed to hear.

And I really don't want to talk about it anymore. Because it distracted me from opening night and in a way, that's unforgivable.

Because we opened last night, and that's really what it's all about. All this work. All this time. All this effort.

And I was so upset and worked up that I didn't get myself psyched up and I didn't get my normal adrenaline surge. I just kind of walked on stage and said to myself "huh, I'm on stage". But I did well. I warmed up to it after my first scene and the play went well and I felt good and there really wasn't much else I would rather have been doing.

And *that* is what it's all about.

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