No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-09-19 - 10:12 p.m.

Otter, and tigers, and cowards, Oh my.

So Otter just left. We spent a lot of the day together. It was fun, and she was cool, and I just don't know.

I went down to where she works, and she gave me the big backstage tour, which was awesome. I got to see a training session with the tigers, which was cool beyond words. I was so completely blown away and overawed.

Then we went to lunch. And had a good conversation, and there were little comments about getting to know each other better and stuff like that. It felt at the end of lunch like we were maybe headed towards dating, which would be cool, I think.

Anyway, I went home, and she went to do some errands and pack for her trip. Then tonight she came up to my place and we played music. She plays violin. Unfortunately, there weren't really any songs we could play together. I didn't have any songs that have violin, and I don't read music, so I couldn't really learn the ones she knew.

But it was fun anyway, and she got up to go and one point, and then said she wanted to just hang out and talk, and it was good. And see, I was once again in that spot where part of me is saying, yep for sure she's interested and SmogMonkey's going nope, she's really not.

Have I conveyed recently the ocean of self-doubt I carry within me?

Anyway, I couldn't get a fix on the vibe. At times it seemed good, and at times not, and I'm pretty sure my messages were mixed, cause I was feeling confused, and just in general I don't know.

I like her. I'm not sure, though.

Is it too soon since RockGirl?

Is Otter really my type? Cause there's times when it's Hell Yeah, and there's times when it's not so much, and I really, really want to just be sure. Just once in my life.

And right now I'm not.

She's gone a few days, and then I'll probably see her some when she gets back. Of course, regardless what happens I'll see her every weekend through the end of the year. Which is also part of the reason for hesitancy on my part. Cause what if things don't work and get horrendous, and we still have to deal with each other?

I know for sure, that whatever else, she wants to be my friend, and I'm happy about that. I'm just not totally sure that she wants something more. Or that I do. But, regardless, I'm not exactly good at taking those steps to move past friend.

Being a coward.

As I am.

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