No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-10-14 - 11:57 a.m.

Learning to be direct

I seriously need to work on my communication skills. I seriously need to work on my relationships. I dunno. I just feel right now that no matter what I do I'm going to disappoint someone. I think most people expect more out of a friendship than I do. At heart I'm kind of a loner, and I'm definitely introverted. I can go a while without seeing a friend, and when we get together, everything's just kind of back to normal for me. Some of my friends don't seem to work that way. So I get in trouble for not hanging out often enough, or calling enough, or whatever it is I'm not doing that's an unspoken part of their social contract.

In particular, Otter's getting pissed off at me. Although that's a slightly different situation. See, I'm not attracted to her. But it took me some time to sort out my feelings and come to that conclusion. (I think in part because the Upstairs People were saying "Hey, look, she's cool, why not?" and completely ignoring the Downstairs People who were saying not much. I need to listen to the Downstairs People more.) In the meantime I may have inadvertently done or said something to make Otter think that there was something there. So recently, she's been calling up all the time. And I bailed on plans last Thursday because I just couldn't take it. I couldn't deal, so I begged off. And yesterday she called and I didn't answer (though, actually I didn't know she called, my cell phone doesn't work in the basement) and today she sent an email asking if she's become a pest.

The truth is yes, she has. But it's not her fault. The truth is that she's a good person and she's just trying to be my friend (or something more). But I'm flashing back to the last days with RockGirl. And I don't know how to deal. I just don't.

So I sent back an email (and it's a cop-out medium, I know) saying most of this stuff, but hopefully less hurtful and asshole-ish. Anyway, I'm feeling like a mean bastard right now. I need to work on being direct and honest sooner.

Why is it that the one's who are attracted to me aren't the ones I'm attracted to? That sucks.

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