No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-07-08 - 2:32 p.m.

Emotional kablooie fallout, RockGirl math, don't doubt j-money, and the effects of paint fumes.

The cast is happier, it seems. The big emotional kablooie got a lot of things worked out, I guess, cause Saturday night we were happy, freaky, funky chickens. We did a great show, and I totally nailed my songs. Urmmm...with one exception. During the closing number, I lost it completely. I stood there with the music running, staring at the audience for almost a full measure before I regained my place. My own private moment of Zen.

I kind of made up for it in the improv set, which was one of our best ever, by dragging us into a whole "Cops" show re-enactment. D got all beligerent, and since I know he trusts me I did a couple of fake punches at him that came off pretty well. I mean they were very telegraphed, but, you know, it's improv. It's not like he knew when they were coming.

OriginalWhiteGuy and Starling came out for the show and really seemed to enjoy it.


Yesterday was a long, long day of hanging with RockGirl. Some of her sooo into me behavior (hmmm... arrogant much?) was wearing on me. I got some great missives from PenPal, re: the Gold Standard.

Let's cut the rambling and do some math.

j-money plus DreamGirl equals happy j-money.

RockGirl not equal to DreamGirl.

j-money plus RockGirl equals generally happy but vaguely dissatisfied j-money.

j-money plus RockGirl equals happy RockGirl.

RockGirl plus honesty about emotions equals big fucking fight.

j-money plus complacency equals cowardice and guilt.

DreamGirl oh DreamGirl. Will you ever come for me? And if you finally do, will I even have a chance if I'm still with RockGirl at the time.

Blargh. I hate when I'm a moron.


On the evening of the Fourth, after a long drive back from Moab, RockGirl, jo3, Ng and I went out into the field behind the hacienda. We set up camp chairs, drank wine, played guitars and sang, and watched fireworks. Ng was kinda pissy when she arrived, and expressed much doubt as to our ability to see fireworks, despite my repeatedly assuring her that they were only a few miles distant. RockGirl managed to calm her down some, and the wine helped more, then the music helped even more. About five minutes into the fireworks she turned to me and said "I'm sorry I doubted you".

Never doubt j-money. He'll prove you wrong every time. :)


Today I touched up paint in my bedroom and painted my study. (Since two of the three bedrooms in the new house are very small, I got to turn one into a private study for just my stuff.) The whole lingering cough brought on by the smoke from wildfires turns into a tubercolosis-look-alike when confronted with paint fumes.

I need a shower.

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