2002-09-03 - 10:54 p.m.

What RockGirl had to say

I got back from RockGirl's about twenty minutes ago. I have no idea what to say. I'm going to say a lot, and I think a lot of it will sound bad. I talked to BigSis on the way home and at the end of that conversation, BigSis said she wanted to go punch RockGirl. I'm going to say some things that will sound bad, but I've tried hard all night to not be defensive, and to give everything RockGirl had to say due consideration. She's not a tactful person, and I've always known that about her. But it might sound bad.

She did want to get back together. But she said that as soon as I walked in she knew that wasn't going to happen. (Don't forget her ability to sense other people's emotions. Did I ever mention that? Anyway, she's an empath. She said of that "You've never been comfortable with it". I thought it more politic to agree than to explain that I've never believed in it.) Anyway, she knew we weren't getting back together pretty quick. So what did we then talk about for two and a half hours?

She has given herself the role of being my honest friend. She's decided first that she's not going to insist on never seeing me again. She said also, that she's not going to stop loving me. Based on these two facts, she's decided that she has nothing to lose. Therefore, she can be the one to tell me the hard truth where no one else will. For my own benefit, you understand.

RockGirl has been of the opinion that I did or do or have or should have loved her. But I wouldn't let myself. I put up walls. I don't trust. I don't let people in. This is not a new theory. But in the past two weeks, she has expanded this theory beyond herself. She has talked to several of my friends (who she would not name, nor tell me how many she talked to besides saying "more than a couple".) who agree with her.

It seems I don't trust people and I don't let people in. This has caused consternation up to and including heartbreak for my friends. Or they have chosen to keep a deliberate distance from me, for fear that I would hurt them or run away.

Part of it seems to hinge on my desire not to hurt anyone. (Which is very real, and a big part of who I am.) According to RockGirl part of love is hurting and being hurt. I need to accept that I will hurt someone who I love.

Part of it seems to be that I don't know who I am. She described me as a chameleon, as "in flux". When I asked her how I could change myself, or act differently to avoid hurting those around me (by running, not the obligatory hurts that come with love) she said I shouldn't change myself, or the way I act. In fact, I change too much right now. I haven't found the core of me, I haven't settled on who I really am. The solution seems to be to find myself (though she expressed doubts that I could).

I realize that the tone I've used to write this up to now shows how defensive I'm being. To tell the hard truth, I felt attacked. I tried as hard as I could to assume positive intent. But what it felt like was RockGirl called around to my friends and got a consensus on why the ills of our relationship(s) are due solely to a deep-seated psychological flaw in ole j$. Everyone loves me but no one *can* love me because I won't *let* them love me, and I can't, until I find myself, which I can't do. But don't go changing. Great. Fantastic. I could really have used an action plan, here.

Obviously, I don't know who RockGirl talked to. I can think of some people she would have been talking to anyway, just in the course of her life. I don't think any of them (with the exception of RockGirl herself and OriginalWhiteGuy) know me well enough to accurately comment on this issue. If she did call around to some of my friends who are in a position to comment on it, then I'd actually be pretty pissed that she would do that. They're not people she knows well, nor do I like the idea that they would talk to her about me without at least letting me know that they had done so.

Equally obvious, RockGirl is not the most objective source on issues of who I love and why. She doesn't understand me and she never has. She gets to know people almost immediately, because of the empathy thing. But I don't show myself to people immediately. Never.

Which brings up a good point. Yes, I am guarded. I know this about myself. I have never, never, never, just opened up to anyone quickly or easily. This is part of who I am. Does it mean that I'm *incapable* of doing so? I don't think so.

I'm venting. I'm dwelling on the negative, defensive aspect of it all. I *am* trying to think about what she said. I have independently wondered about similar things. I am trying to give it due consideration. But it, once again, was not a fun conversation. And I'm going to take with a grain of salt, personal advice from someone who thinks she's got all her shit together, but obviously doesn't. I'm going to talk to some of my best friends, and get their opinions. I already got BigSis' opinion (see the aforementioned desire to punch RockGirl) but she and I are so close she's not actually qualified to comment on me closing people off.

You know RockGirl said to me tonight and on the night of the breakup that she just wants to shake me and make me wake up and realize some things. Try as I will, I cannot interpret that any other way but that she thinks that our problems were the result of my issues. It's all about me having psychological problems that fuck everything up.

Of course it couldn't be that I just don't love her. That couldn't possibly be it.

Okay, I'm descending rapidly into bitter. I need to let this all sit for awhile. I may return to it.

Wait, actually, let me just say one more thing. It's something BigSis and I talked about. Limiting the closing people off issue to just girlfriends. BigSis convinced me tonight that I haven't closed myself off from women who I really loved, or should have loved, or thought I had any potential of spending the rest of my life with. That's the thing. I've known women who I thought could possibly fill DreamGirl's shoes. They didn't want to be with me. I've known and dated women who *wanted* to fill DreamGirl's shoes, but I didn't love them. It's not that I'm incapable of love. I just haven't found it yet.

That's where I'm going to end tonight. Thanks for listening, DLand. Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow.