2003-01-19 - 11:53 p.m.

Bring me the head of Al Davis

I'm convinced that the Raiders making it to the Super Bowl is one of the signs on the apocalypse. This should not be. It's on the level of three-headed cows running for President, and caffeine-free Pepsi. It's wrong on so many levels that I can barely comprehend it.

At every stage of the playoffs, I rooted for whoever it was who could knock the Raiders out. They've all failed me. Now only the Tampa Bay Buccaneers can keep our universe from swallowing itself whole.

You may ask yourself why I hate the Raiders. That's a very thoughtful question. It's because they're evil. Other teams have been arrogant. Other teams have played dirty. Other teams have handed my beloved Broncs humiliating defeat. (Like the day when Cory Dillon of the Bungles broke the single-game rushing record against the Broncs. I had to shower with lye and a wire brush before I felt clean again.) But the Raiders, see, they've always been arrogant, and dirty, and far too often they've been too damn good.

But the biggest thing is that their fans are assholes. Normally, I don't go in for blanket statements about people I don't know, but there it is. I'm not backing down on this one. In my book, if you're a Raiders fan, you're an asshole.

And even when I don't share this opinion, I've yet to meet a Raiders fan who didn't prove my point for me.

But I've decided how to make everything right. I've decided how to restore order to the universe. I've decided what should be done.

The Raiders must cease to be. The team must be moved. The name must be changed. I will excise this blight on the National Football League. And in doing so, they will be transformed into a satisfaction team (in that they never fail to give satisfaction to their opponents).

First, they will move to Butte, Montana. It is only fitting that they be punished.

Second, they will now have pink and white uniforms.

Third, they will be known henceforth as The Pansies. (Although, eRoommate suggested that they be the Butte Pirates. I think that's a little much.)

Fourth and finally, all members of the Hall of Fame who were Raiders will have their displays in the Hall, their records, and their memories changed so that they played for the Pansies. Photo doctoring, historical re-writes, and commando raids on the Library of Congress will all have to be undertaken.

If the Pansies actually win the Super Bowl, I'm going to forswear football, and become a figure skating fan.

Pray with me, brothers and sisters. It's going to be alright.