2003-04-17 - 11:22 a.m.

Didn't I tell you to bring me the head of Al Davis?

Well, I don't have a lot to say about things going on in my life. Cause...um...not much is going on. But I can't let this go without comment.

Already uncontested claimants to the title "Biggest Assholes in Football" the Raiders have decided to further cement their infamy by claiming that the uniforms of the Buccaneers and the Panthers violate their trademark. This is the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a long time.

I think, because I occasionally like to wear black, that I'm going to sue the Raiders. Yeah, and I saw this pirate movie once, so obviously I have the rights to the exclusive use to anything dealing with pirates. I'll sue the Raiders, the Buccaneers, and Errol Flynn. Ooh, ooh, even though I suck at football and have never played, I threw a football once. I better sue the NFL. Nobody gets anything! I'm taking my marbles and going home! I lost the Super Bowl and someone's going to pay damnit! Waaah!

If California tells Tampa Bay to wear a new uniform for games here, he said, then Florida might say ``when the Raiders come to Florida, get that logo off your uniform,'' Herlihy said, suggesting the Raiders might ``put a daisy on your uniform'' as an alternative to their pirate.

I'd like to do better than that. I hereby renew my call for the Raiders to be forcibly moved and renamed. This time, I think they should go to Nome, Alaska, be renamed the Pussy Willows, and forced to wear pink uniforms. The only players they can draft are will come from Oral Roberts University and the Hackensack Girl's Choir. Every trade they make with another team must be two for one in favor of the other team. Every game they play, they will be called for "Excessive Whining" at least once (50 yard penalty and loss of down).

Seriously, I think the best thing that the NFL could do would be to completely disband the Raiders forever. Give their spot to an expansion team in a city that could really appreciate the honor of having an NFL team. Like Dubuque.