2002-08-03 - 2:32 a.m.
Rock. Echo. Alas
So, I'm such a fucking emotional wreck right now I don't even know where to begin. Down is up. Black is white.
To begin with I'll display some of my self awareness. I can't communicate my feelings for shit. I have so much trouble talking about how I feel. I have intimacy issues, no doubt about it. Second, I have not been treating RockGirl well in the past couple of weeks. (This is not to say that I've lied to her. I never have, I never will.) I've just been distant and freaking out, and some avoidance of issues, and to a lesser extent her.
I did not intend to hurt her. There were times when I knew that my actions would hurt her, but at those times I was so wrapped up in my own issues that I found ways to justify it. I'm not excusing it. I was wrong, and I was stupid, and I'm more sorry than I can say.
Anyway, last night we had a big blow up. There was crying and recriminations and finally some communication. There are a million things that happened and that I thought and that we both said which I really won't go into.
The upshot is this. I don't love her. She knows that (though part of what she said made me think that she thinks that I do love her but can't recognize/accept it). I don't know whether or not she loves me, nor do I know if she's sure on that point or not. I suspect that she does. A very large part of me thinks that, after nearly nine months of dating, once I realize that I don't love her, and come to suspect that I won't grow to love her, shouldn't the relationship kind of end, or at least shift gears. She doesn't want that, and she refuses to give up on this relationship. She literally won't accept that it could end.
Part of what came out last night, is that she thinks that I'm afraid to be happy. She thinks that the relationship is fine as it is, loveless or no, and that I need to find a way to be happy in it.
I don't know anymore. I honestly don't know what to think. I feel like everything I do is going to hurt her. She expects the worst of everyone, including me. She can't trust anyone completely, including me. She has major self-worth issues, and I keep feeling like I'm inadvertently trampling on her self-worth.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
In a telling contrast to that situation, EchoGirl came to see the show tonight. I haven't seen her in months.
She's a breath of fresh air in my life. She always has been.
She just ended a relationship because her boyfriend was cheating on her. Every reason to be bitter, and angry and depressed. Yet to me she seemed to be as bright and happy as ever. She shines. She just shines. She's so fucking full of life.
It was just an incredibly stark contrast to RockGirl's jaded, pessimistic, bitter viewpoint.
What has happened to my life?