No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2003-03-30 - 10:53 a.m.

The rockingest understudy ever, ShyGirl redux

I don't want to brag, or nothing, but the shows this weekend went great. It was the best understudy experience I've ever had. I did not miss an entrance, or drop a line either night. I went up and committed to the characters, and had a lot of energy, and had fun.

That being said, I am tired, tired, tired. And sore as hell. The role I took over is incredibly physical, and at the beginning of the show, I was on-stage all the time. One scene ends, sprint back-stage for a costume change, right back on-stage.

The greatest compliment for me out of this weekend, was that the cast didn't have to coddle me. I needed occasional reminders of which scene came next, but other than that, it was almost like having a regular cast-member aboard. That's my main goal as an understudy, is to let the cast get on with what they do best without having to worry about me.

It turns out that there was a critic in the house last night. Which says a lot about the confidence Herr Director has in me.

Overall, I feel like this weekend was a triumph for me. Considering that I learned the role in like three days, I performed at a level I would never have expected to achieve. I'm more proud of this weekend, than practically anything else I've done as an actor.


I had lunch with ShyGirl yesterday. I admit I had some trepidation about seeing her.

("You've said you were her friend, and you meant it, so go be her friend.")

Almost immediately, she tells me that she and FuckFace are breaking up. Or are broken up. She's staying with a friend until he can find a new place to move. Moving in with him, she says, was a big mistake.

("Don't say I told you so. Oh wait, you can't, because you never *did* tell her so. But everyone else did, and you agreed. Still, don't say I told you so.")

And honestly, from that point in the conversation through the rest of the night, some part of me was just in a blur. She has done very little reaching out to me as a friend in recent months. I seem to hear from her when she's down, or unhappy. But now, now she calls, now she wants to get together.

And I have said, to myself, and to others, many times since the fall, since Thanksgiving, that there will never be any chance for her and I. She made her choice. It wasn't me. It's done.


But, see...

I'm a moron.

I'm a moron, and no matter what I resolve, or decide, or tattoo on my body when I'm alone, when I see her.

When I see her a lot of that goes out the window.

And we go to the bookstore, and drink chai, and go to her old place so I can meet her new dog (who I love immediately, and who loves me immediately, and I'm dubbed "uncle j$"), and I loan her my scarf because she's always cold, but then she leaves it over at the old place where only FuckFace now resides, and all this time I'm just a fucking mess.

It is important for me to point out that I'm making assumptions. I don't know that she is actually still interested in me like that. The whole friend thing may be genuine. She's had a rough time, and maybe, maybe just once in her life she's going to be alone for a while. Maybe if she's not, I'm not the guy.

I hate when I'm a moron.

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