No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2003-05-06 - 11:21 a.m.

No maps

So, someone signed the guestbook, and told me that I'm breaking ShyGirl's heart a piece at a time. This made me sad to hear.

First, let me say, Yay Guestbook. More signing of it, good. You can sign it just to tell me that I'm a filthy piece of worm-infested blubber, and I'll be happy that you at least signed it.

Second, though, and to the heart of the matter, I'd do anything to keep from hurting her. Anything. I care deeply for her, and I feel like a complete heel for having said all the things I did. But I'm being honest with her. Completely honest. She knows how I feel, and I'm not trying to be controlling. I'm not telling her how to live her life. I'm just doing what I need to to keep myself safe and sane.

What I may not have mentioned is that after the whole painful conversation in the restaurant, we went back to her place, and just sat on the couch and talked. We talked for like four more hours. About all kinds of things. What I'm saying is I didn't just drop a bomb and then abandon her.

We talked on the phone last night, briefly, and she told me she was glad I had the strength to be honest with her. I keep coming back to that. I don't know what's going to happen. No maps for these territories. But I am doing my best to be open and honest. The future will have to take care of itself.

We're both adults. We both have our eyes open. I have no secrets from her. I am not holding out hope that I know to be false. (Though I can make no guarantees, and she knows that.)

I care enough about her to still want her in my life. How that shakes out isn't really up to me.

I feel like I'm justifying. Like I'm on the defensive. I know there are people who would think I should just throw caution to the wind. I know I have friends who think I should never talk to her again.

If I feel defensive, it's because I feel unsure. It's a weird situation. Without precedent in my life.

Meh. I don't think I resolved anything today. I'm just going to do my best to be honest, and patient.

We'll see.

No maps.

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