2002-01-31 - 11:11 p.m.

More pondering of spark and fire

Is the heart-thumping giddy stage of love a requirement for long-term happiness? What I mean is, do you need to feel that on fire all over at the touch of their hand kind of feeling for it to be love? Or can you start comfortable and relaxed and just kind of chilling, and have it still grow into love?

Here's what's been bringing these questions up.

1. Today on NPR there was this whole thing about "Starter Marriages" and how many people in my generation are getting married young and then getting divorced after something less than five years. The thing that really got me to thinking is the fact that many of these people then go into their second (or subsequent) marriages with a new appreciation of what's important in a relationship and a mate. I got to thinking about RockGirl, and how her ex-husband must have treated her. There have been days when I'm thinking to myself that I'm doing the bare minimum in terms of consideration for her. And at that same instant, she'll say "you're too good to me". Blows me away. What kind of an automaton was she married to? Once when she said "you're too good to me" I replied, "No, I'm not too good to you, I'm just one of the first people who's ever tried to be good to you." (Every so often I'm quick enough on my feet that it sounds like I've been scripted.

2. I was looking back on my archive (which I occasionally do (and am often pleasantly surprised at the quality of my writing)) and saw an entry I wrote about RockGirl several weeks before we started dating. The thing I said was that I thought there might be a lack of spark. And I must admit that in the overwhelming and heady first days after she forgot about patience and dragged me (not exactly kicking and screaming, mind you) into her bed that I might have mistaken one type of spark (which though powerful, is of a completely different nature) for another. The thing about it is that we've been more apart recently because of my rehearsal schedule. And when we talk she always says something about missing me. And I think to myself am I missing her? I mean, really? I do think about her every day, and we talk at least briefly every day. But I don't have that all-consuming, at every moment kind of preoccupation. I don't know. I am very likely over-analyzing as I am wont to do. But I wonder.

Do you ever look back on something you said, and suddenly realize that the way that you meant it, the intention behind it in your mind, might very well have been completely different from the way it was interpreted by the person you said it to?

I had one of those moments today.