2001-09-22 - 7:11 p.m.
casting about for strength
it's time for me to leave for the party.
right now i don't want to go.
i'm going to have to see EchoGirl.
worse, in a way, i'm going to have to see the questions in Rudy's eyes when he looks at me, then at her, then back to me.
i don't have the energy to answer those questions. i'm not even really totally sure what the answers are.
i don't have the energy to see her.
that she's just another one.
in the ever-growing list.
of women i'll never date.
and i'm a turmoil of emotion right now.
and i'll likely drink too much.
and then i might say or do things i shouldn't.
and part of me just wants to stay home and play guitar all night.
but i know i can't.
and i've delayed long enough already.
i have to go.
strength, j$, strength.