No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-11-10 - 12:50 a.m.

Cancelled show, Tony Hawk 4, ShyGirl

Last night our show was cancelled because one of the actors was passing a gall stone. I can't make this shit up.

It meant that I had a chance to trek up to Boulder to see a one-woman show by someone who I met at Cow Place. The show was incredible. She did an amazing job. The theme of the show was communication, or lack thereof, and a large part of it had to do with her relationship with her father.

While it was absolutely hilarious at times, it was also a very serious show, and very touching. By the end of the show, there was not a dry eye in the house. I was crying like I haven't in a long time.

See cause it reminded me that I can't communicate with my Dad, and if I don't figure out how to do it, at some point I won't have the opportunity anymore.

Also, Grandpa is in the hospital. He's not doing well. I'm worried as hell, and I'm trying to figure out a way to get out there to visit him soon. Because I'm afraid he's not going to last much longer, and I haven't seen him in years. I told BigSis that I didn't want for the next time I go out there to be for his funeral. And the fact that I might say that is just killing me. And I'm really worried, but I've kind of put a cap on that. But some of the things in the show poked a hole in that cap, and after the show, I found myself crying in BoBoGirl's arms for a couple of seconds before I got my composure back.

Today I was weak, and bought Tony Hawk 4. Rudy and I spent all day playing.

Tonight's show was good. Big house, good vibe, good show.


Okay, now that all that's out of the way.

ShyGirl was at the show last night. She told me that she was planning on breaking up with her boyfriend tonight. Then she said "call me, if you want to" and made sure that I had her numbers.

She seemed very upset last night, and I know that this is a tough time for her. I know that she's been unhappy in this relationship for some time.

I would like to think I can be there for her without any hidden agenda. I don't know if I can.

Tonight, I was talking to some of her friends. They knew she was breaking up tonight. They were going to go comfort her. They were of the opinion that she needs to spend some time alone.

See, here's the deal. ShyGirl is a self-described serial monogamist. She is terrified of being alone. She's been in a relationship almost continuously since high school. She's never really been alone.

Her friends were saying tonight that she'd mentioned some new interest, and something about an actor. I don't know if that's me. I kept my mouth shut.

I'm torn right now. I like her. But I tend to agree that a person should be happy by themselves first. If you can't find happiness with yourself, you're not likely to find it in someone else.

I don't want to be just another in a long string of rebounds.

But I like her. And I have reason to believe that she likes me. And I have reason to believe that the window of opportunity may be short. If I don't fill the role, she'll likely find someone else to do it.

I like her, but on the other hand, I don't really know her all that well. I'd like to get to know her better. I dunno.

I don't know. I'm confused, and worried. I think I'm just going to tread carefully.

We'll have to see what happens.

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