No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-11-22 - 5:48 p.m.

thanks fer nothin

i'm trying very hard right now to hang on to that whole thankfulness thing.

it aint working.

today, as punishment for not being married yet, i was guilted into going over to mom's house and

--get this--

cleaning her garage.

how's that for a happy holiday?

actually, i'm not even done yet. what we were really doing today (for five hours, and that's after the hanging of christmas lights, and some general yard-work) was clearing out enough space in the garage so that tomorrow, when all of us kids are there, we can hang her birthday presents (tool organizers and racks and such) and do a *real* reorganization of the garage.

how on earth did my mother convince herself that this was quality time?

i know i'm sounding ungrateful and terrible and stuff, but this is a holiday, ferchrissake. you know, turkey, beer, football. relaxing.

and besides, *every* single time i show up at mom's house there's something big and heavy to move, or something unpleasant to do. she's managed to convince herself that she's helpless. i shit you not, she stood there idle for at least half of the day while i moved things, and swept, and dusted and cleaned.

i should invite her over to clean my closet while i take a nap.

some days.

o man, some days my mother just makes me *crazy*.

and the part that really makes me unhappy is that it's all because i didn't have a "valid" excuse. i could have done several different things with friends today. that doesn't count. if i'd done that, i would have been in *big* trouble. guilt galore.

if i was married, on the other hand, i could have gotten out of the whole thing, or made do with a quick pop in.

the universe is punishing me for being lonely.

if i muster up any more unwarranted self-pity, i think i'm going to gag.

right, i'm going to try to salvage something out of this day.

tomorrow's going to be even longer.

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