No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2002-03-07 - 3:05 p.m.

The art of being an understudy, and more RockGirl angst.

I realized something last night. I think I'm by far the most dedicated understudy at CowPlace. I've been to every rehearsal this week since Sunday. During that time I've seen one other understudy for one night. I have all my lines memorized (except for the transitions that just appeared a couple of days ago) and I often get there before and leave after some of the cast members.

The thing is that this is in no way me trying to suck up. This is just what I think of as what I should do. I'm realizing it's more than is expected of me by the director and the cast, but it's what I expect of myself. The truth is that I want to be there. But when I signed on, my assumption was that I would be there for every rehearsal that I could. My plan is to be ready by tomorrow night to take over at a moment's notice and for the rest of the cast to be completely confident in my ability to do so. That just seems like the right thing to do.

The nice side effect of this, of course, is that I hope I'm creating a reputation as a reliable guy. I hope that people will want to work with me again.


Last night after rehearsal, the cast was headed over to the Bottom for some beers and I *really* wanted to go with them. But I got a message from RockGirl and she sounded really depressed and she really wanted me to come over. Which I did. And she *was* really depressed. She actually cried in front of me, which I know is really rare. And I stayed over and hung out with her, and generally tried to be a good boyfriend.

Here's the thing. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be out with my new friends. I feel so guilty about this. I want to be there for her and to support her, but I feel like I'm perpetuating a lie. I feel like by not telling her about my doubts, about my apparent lack of feelings for her, that I'm inadvertantly allowing her to believe something that is not true. Not that last night was a good time for me to add to her problems.

The thing is that when you're dating someone you should *want* to spend all your time with them, right? I don't. I don't know how this happened to me, but I've shifted into this wanna flee mode. Have you ever been in a situation where the little things that didn't used to bother you now seem huge and all-encompassing? I was laying there in bed next to her (awake until 2 am but not moving so that I wouldn't wake her) and I felt alone. I don't feel that connection with her. You know the one. The one I've been looking for all my life. And it seems that the dissapointment of that fact is obscuring my vision of all the good things about her. About us.

Cause there are good things. And I'm trying hard to hold on to those. And I don't want to be a typical guy. Or an asshole. But the urge to flee.

What's worse? Telling her how I feel and hurting her. Or delaying and living a lie.

I feel constantly guilty, but I'm too much of a chickenshit to decide what to do.

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