No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-12-05 - 11:43 p.m.

Wishing makes it so

So I just subjected my poor PenPal to the blow-by-blow of my day. I did it in part because I wanted to update tonight, and I wanted it to be about ideas. Or more appropriately, about commitments.

Do you remember when I was talking about the idea that by changing your thoughts, you can change your reality?

Put it another way: A man is what he thinks about all day.

Put it yet another way: A man is what he thinks himself to be.

Now obviously, me thinking I'm the Sultan of Switzerland won't make it so (unless my secret toaster mind-control device works). The point is that there are things that are theoretically within my grasp. The only thing keeping me from doing them, or becoming them, is my action, or lack thereof.

Let me boil it down: If I believe that I can become something, that's the first step to becoming it.

Seems absurdly simple doesn't it? You'd be surprised at how much trouble this little step gives me. Maybe it's self-esteem issues, or confidence problems. Let's not go there.

Today, while getting my haircut, I closed my eyes and said to myself

"I am an actor".

"I am a musician".

Again, absurdly simple, no?

Here's the deal. I've pretty much decided that I live a certain lifestyle. And I've gotten used to that lifestyle. And maintaining that lifestyle requires me to hold down a job.

I want that job to be something I'm passionate about, something I approach with joyfulness and enthusiasm.

Programming no longer fulfills those requirements.

So I want to make my living as either an actor, or a musician, or both.


Rome was not built in a day. I have enthusiasm, and I believe some innate talent. What I do *not* have is enough experience. What I definitely do not have is enough contacts in the right circles.

In other words, I won't be able to go right out and start making a living at this. I would like to believe that I could, but really, let's be realistic. I can't.

So I have to get a day job. A computer job. A boring job.

So with the yoke of corporate life re-settling itself around my neck, why do I feel invigorated? Why do I feel excited? Why do I feel good?

Because that job won't be a career anymore. It'll be a day job. It'll be what I do to make ends meet while I wait for my *real* career to take off.

The difference here is all attitude. It's about commitment. I am committed to spending as much of my spare time as necessary to make this work. To the outside observer, it may look a lot like I'm just going about the same old life.

To me it feels like I'm finally following my passion.

It's the little things, right?

It's the shifts in perception, in attitude, in thought, that make the big changes in our lives actually come to pass.

I am an actor.

I am a musician.


I just got this as a postscript in an email from my sister.

p.s. I think it is great that you are following your love and dreams to be an actor- don't give up!

Have I mentioned recently how much I love my sisters?

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