No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction at anytime.
There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction,
a blessed unrest keeps us marching and makes us more alive than others.
-- Martha Graham to Agnes De Mille
Was || Will Be || Past Moments || Now || Notes

2001-10-12 - 2:17 p.m.

j$ bitches about work some more. Ooooh there's a shock!

RadioVoiceBossMan just dropped by my office to express concern about me. He's worried that I haven't seemed my usual chipper self, and that my productivity has dropped off. He's trying to arrange for some more tutelage and help for me in the stinking morass of nasty code that I've been hucked into. He seemed genuinely concerned for me.

I hate that.

I told him some of my frustrations about the work I'm doing, particularly that there is no documentation and people who designed the stuff are difficult to corner for questions, leaving me wading ever deeper into a sea of ignorance and confusion (though I didn't exactly word it that way). I also told him that I'm having some problems in my personal life that are dragging me down (true).

What I didn't tell him is probably the single greatest contributor to my sulkiness at work. And that is that I find my job to be profoundly unfulfilling and resent every hour I spend at it.

The trick is that he's been working in this field since I was six years old. Just yesterday he said that we have created the best product he's ever seen in the field and he's never been more excited about the work he's been involved with.

How do you tell someone that what they've devoted the last twenty-three years of their life on is boring and uninspiring to you?

Answer: you don't.

It was very nice of him to inquire about my mental state, but it doesn't really solve my problem. I still hate my job. And it's an indication that my attitude problem has not gone unnoticed. And if I don't shape up a bit, the problem may be solved for me. Cause there are budget rumblings. And we recently rescinded an offer letter for a job candidate. And we *still* don't have many sales.

And as much as I hate my job, I'm not prepared to be unemployed. My hedonistic lifestyle does not pay for itself, you know.

And I really need to buckle down on my studying, and really bone up on some things that I *need* to know to land the job that I *really* want. And it's hard to do right now, because once I get home and go to the gym all I want to do is relax for a bit with a drink. Not study.

So the solution, I think is pretty obvious. I will now begin accepting job offers to serve as a highly-paid love slave. I've always aspired to be a Himbo, so any Sugar Mommas out there can now speak up. I'm ready for ya, baby.

Ummm...okay. Maybe not so much.

Anyway. I better do some more work today. I'm under more scrutiny now. I'd best deliver.

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